Naruto Abridged With Commentary: Chuunin Exams
by Anonymius
Summary: The Chuunin Exams' arc As well as the succeeding 'Invasion of Konoha' arc shortened and parodied.
1. The Chuunin Exams

**I do not own Naruto or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Hello everyone! We're back after a month hiatus, to present to you Anonymius' take on the Chuunin Exams!

Professor: I'm wondering if he'll be able to shorten it more than Masakox and Vegeta3986! Did you notice that he made the Land of Waves arc three instalments shorter?

Commentator: Pfft! He was only able to do that because he skipped most of the episodes!

Professor: To be fair it's not like Masako and Vegeta aren't innocent of skipping a bunch of episodes! They actually forwarded through one under the pretence that it was filler!

Commentator: Hey! They still kept the one scene from that episode! Anonymius skipped an entire one!

Professor: Touché. But still I wonder if Anonymius can make the 'Chuunin Exams' arc shorter than Masako's and Vegeta's!

Commentator: Wanna place a bet on it?

Professor: How much?

Commentator: How about: ONE HUNDRED TRILLION COINS!

Professor: That's a little excessive, don't you think? How about just a trillion?

Commentator: Oh fine Mr Boring! Then it's settled, if Anonymius is able to abridge all the episodes from the beginning of the Chuunin Exams to the episode where the Hokage dies- how many videos did Masako and Vegeta do?

Professor: Twelve.

Commentator: All right then! If he's able to do less than twelve, then you win. However, if he does twelve or more, then I win!

Professor: Deal.

Commentator: Now on a different topic, let's go through some of the reviews sent for our last chapter:

Great chapter and i'll keep an eye out for the chuunin exams ^^ good luck in yor other series!

Say Prof? Did Anonymius have such luck with his other works?

Professor: Well let's see. In the past month since taking a break from Naruto, Anonymius has worked on 'Philosopher's Stone with a Difference', which now has almost the same number of hits as Harry Potter and Naruto Abridged. He also concluded 'Philosopher's Stone: A different Beginning,' which now has 246 hits in total. This is a pretty good number, particularly since I think by chapter two originally it had just under 100. He's also begun two new Harry Potter AU stories, one with 46 points, the other with 17, so they're not his best.

Commentator: Why is it that every new Harry Potter AU story Anonymius starts does worse than the previous one?

Professor: I don't know. He's also started two new commentaries, one on 'Yu Yu Hakusho', and another on 'Heroes'.

Commentator: Yes Prof, I know. We've been in both. Well, how well have they done?

Professor: Nnnot as well as Naruto Abridged after its first chapter. They've both got under 40.

Commentator: WHAT?

Professor: But Yu Yu Hakusho had gotten two reviews that both praise the series and want more!

Commentator: That's good to hear!

Professor: Oh yes and he's continued with the 'Avian Menace'.

Commentator: Why? I didn't think it was doing very well!

Professor: Yeah well I think he just wanted to complete it.

Commentator: And how well has it done?

Professor: -Well, um, each new chapter seems to get about twenty hits.

Commentator: I see. So let me get this straight, Anonymius gave up a successful career as the creator of Naruto Abridged with Commentary-?

Clock: TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK-

Commentator: Uh oh! Looks like we're running out of time! Well anyway thank you for your reviews and your support and we hope that you can all find this current fic! Enjoy!

* * *

Professor: Wow! It's certainly quiet in the Naruto home!

Commentator: Shh! Let's make the most of Naruto not saying anything!

Professor: Why?

Commentator: His U.S. voice sounds like scratching a chalkboard, especially when he gets excited or emotional in any way!

Naruto: All right! Time to go out!

(As he speaks, the Commentator imagines someone scratching a chalkboard)

Naruto: Believe it!

Commentator: HAMMERSTRIKE! Huh? Where's the mallet? Oh right, my brother took it back. DAMN YOU, DARREN!

* * *

Naruto: (Grrrr. I hate Sasuke! He always gets in my way!)

Professor: Wow! If someone told you that Naruto actually grieved over Sasuke's apparent death in the 'Land of Waves Arc', they'd ask you what you were on at the time!

* * *

Naruto: You killed Sasuke! YOU KILLED SASUKE!

Haku: Hey, hold on, why are you so upset? I thought you hated him?

Naruto: I did. I WANTED TO KILL HIM!

Haku: Oh.

* * *

Sammy: Wait a minute! I thought Boss-

Commentator: No that is definitely what happened!

Sammy: No it wasn't! I remember, you-

Commentator: YES-IT-WAS!

Naruto: Sasuke always gets credit, so I'm going to work extra hard in order to beat him! Believe it!

Commentator: Sigh. I miss my mallet.

Professor: There's always your staff.

Commentator: Yeah, but that's not as fun hitting people with.

Sammy: Hey guys, look! Naruto's attempts to act better have led him to perform worse than ever before!

Commentator: Just like Heroes volume 3.

(BOM BOM BOM CH)

Sasuke: You are such a loser, Naruto.

Commentator: Don't call him a loser!

Sasuke: I didn't know you cared.

Commentator: Oh it's not that, it's just that you calling him a loser reminds me too much of Gary Oak and Pokemon. And getting over that was a very hard thing to do!

* * *

Naruto: Hey, why are we still doing these crappy little 'missions'? I thought we proved ourselves being capable of handling more serious things?

Sakura: Apparently we're to remain in the village until the plot catches up.

* * *

Sakura: Hey Sasuke! Want to go out?

Sasuke: With you? A useless character?

Sakura: (He's right! I've done practically nothing in all of our missions!)

Commentator: What are you talking about, Sakura? You've done a lot in most of your missions! You've been more useful than Naruto in this entire episode!

Sakura: And by 'missions,' I meant the 'Land of Waves Arc', which is the only mission that matters! All I did in that entire saga was stand around and cheer on the guys who were actually doing things!

Commentator: Heh heh. You know what that makes you, Sakura? That makes you: A cheerleader!

Imaginary Sakura holds pom poms and wears a cheerleader's uniform, chanting "Go Naruto! Go Sasuke!"

Sakura: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I don't want to be a cheerleader! I want to be on the pitch, not on the side!

Commentator: Oh, being a cheerleader isn't all that bad! A couple of cheerleaders have been crucial in saving the world! Course, those were blond cheerleaders. (Holding a hair dryer) So all we need to do is dye your hair! Relax; I have never done this before!

Sakura: NO ONE'S TOUCHING MY HAIR YOU FLOATING FREAK! (Punches Commentator straight in face, sending him flying into a wall)

Commentator: (Groan) Why do the shonen heroines have such bad tempers?

Professor: What are you talking about, sir?

(Misty beats up Ash Ketchum. Nami whacks Luffy and Zolo over the heads, Bulma whacks Master Roshi with a mallet. Amy hurls a mallet at Dr Robotnik's- (er, don't you mean 'Eggman?' No, NO! It's Robotnik! It's always been Robotnik! Well actually Eggman's the original name and Robotnik's just the western-Oh shut up!) ahem, hovercraft. Rukia whacks Ichigo after insulting her drawings.)

Professor: Oh. I see what you mean.

* * *

(Someone badly disguised as the floor crawls up behind Naruto)

Sammy: Hey! It's the One-Foot Tall Brick Wall!

Teneko: The One-Foot Tall Brick Wall? I LOVE THAT CHARACTER!

Commentator: Teneko? What are you doing here?

Teneko: I heard the One-Foot Tall Brick Wall was in town, so I came over to check it out. Oo, oo! Hey One Foot Tall Brick Wall, can I have your autograph?

Naruto, Konohamaru and friends: AAAAH! IT'S A MONSTER! RUN AWAY!

Teneko: No wait come back! I think you're one of the best Naruto Abridged characters ever, you could defeat the Log any day!

Commentator: This is why I never choose Teneko as an assistant commentator.

(Konohamaru bumps into Kankuro)

Sakura: Oh good! The plot's here! Hey, wait a minute! Ninja from another village aren't allowed in here!

Temari: We have a free pass enabling us to enter!

Naruto: Why are we called a 'hidden village' if people know how to find us? Just who exactly are you people?

Temari: I'm Temari.

Kankuro: I'm Kankuro.

Gaara: And I'm Gaara of the-

Naruto: Funk?

Gaara: NO! NOT OF THE FUNK! Why does everyone keep saying that? Seriously it's really annoying when you meet people and they call you 'Gaara of the Funk' and don't understand why everything doesn't change colour!

Sasuke: I know how you feel. Every time someone does a substitution when I'm around, they're all baffled as to why I don't go ballistic!

Sakura: Yeah! And thanks to 'Naruto the Abridged Series', everyone thinks that I'm a useless character!

(There is so much silence that you can hear the wind blowing)

Kakashi: And because of 'Naruto the Abridged Series', everyone assumes that I have this fixation on milk!

Naruto: Kakashi? What are you doing here?

Kakashi: I heard people complaining about how 'Naruto the Abridged Series' ruined their lives, so I thought I'd join in.

* * *

Naruto: Say Kakashi, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. How come all the countries in our world have the exact same culture and language? Not very feasible in a basically medieval world, is it?

Sasuke: Probably as plausible as the fact that the canon world's only as big as east China and Japan.

Kakashi: Now, now, Naruto. Sure we all speak the same language, eat the same type of food, have the same system of government, architecture, religion, customs, fashion, basically the same type of Japanese culture, but there are differences!

Naruto: -Such as…?

Kakashi: Well, in the Sand Village many who aren't in uniform have middle-eastern style dress.

Sasuke: -Is that it?

Kakashi: Well, um, the Thunder Country resembles Africa.

Naruto: Yeah, but that's more racially and ecologically rather than anything culturally.

Kakashi: Look, I'm not the one who came up with this world, Kishimoto is! Besides, the fact that we're so small is probably why we all have such a similar culture.

Sasuke: Well yeah but still even eastern China and Japan had separate language and customs and religion-

Kakashi: SHUT THE HELL UP!

Sasuke: Kay.

Kakashi: Besides, we wouldn't be a world of ninjas if we didn't all have the same Japanese culture, now would we?

Naruto: Well actually-

Kakashi: That's it. I've had it with you three!

Sakura: What did I do?

Kakashi: Nothing, that's the problem!

Sakura: Hey!

Kakashi: Just for that, I'm entering you into the highly competitive and deadly Chuunin Exams!

Naruto: You mean we get the chance to advance our levels and become chuunins? YAHOO! ALL RIGHT! I'd get to be one step closer into becoming Hokage!

Kakashi: Yes, but the Chuunin Exams are highly dangerous and there's a chance that you might-

Sasuke: Heh. Maybe if I advance to the rank of chuunin, I'll come closer to my goal of murdering my own brother for my own self-interest!

Kakashi: Yes, yes, that's fine and all, but the Chuunin Exams are extremely tough, far tougher than what-

Naruto: So it's settled then! We're off to the Chuunin Exams!

Sasuke: Yeah!

(Clap hands together)

Kakashi: (Grrrr. This was not my intent!) Of course, I'll give all of you a chance to think about it for a day! And don't feel any pressure about joining! (Heh heh. Little do they know that if one won't attend then none of them can! I can't wait to see the look on their faces when I tell them they can't attend because Sakura didn't want to. Mwahahaha! Mwahahaha! MWAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAAA!)

* * *

Lee: Greetings, Sasuke-San. My name is Rock Lee and I-

Naruto: Ew! What's wrong with his eyes? They're all-round and stuff!

Sasuke: Maybe it's supposed to show that he's not Japanese?

Lee: Ridiculous! I'm as Japanese as Yamada Taro!

Naruto: Dude, yeh've got round eyes, an English first name and a Korean, English or Chinese last name. You couldn't be less Japanese!

Lee: Oh this is coming from someone who has blond hair and blue eyes.

Naruto: That does it you are so dead! AAAAH!

(Gets kicked aside)

Sakura: Yeah, that's kinda what we expected.

Lee: I'm here to challenge you, Sasuke Uchiha!

Sasuke: Well, normally I would let Naruto fight you first…but since he's unconscious, I guess I have no choice. But you're a fool to challenge me. I am a member of the elite Uchiha clan!

Lee: Yeah? Well I'm the direct descendant of Astroboy!

(Silence)

Sasuke: You lie!

Lee: Do I? Just look at this pic of Astroboy! Notice the similarities?

Sasuke: Hey yeah! Oh crap.

Commentator: For those of you who are confused as to why this is such a big deal, Astroboy is to anime characters what Adam is to Christians.

Sammy: What, the man who condemned all of humanity to be separated from God you mean?

Commentator: NO!

* * *

Sasuke: (Whatever magic this guy is using, my Sharingan will be able to see through it! What the?)

Lee: That's right! I'm not using either Genjutsu or Ninjutsu! It's Taijutsu!

Sasuke: You mean the really boring type of jutsu?

Lee: We'd prefer it to call it the type of jutsu that doesn't cheat! As you are well aware, there is no magic involved: just plain ordinary human ability!

Sasuke: If you're just using normal human ability then how are you able to move across the hall in the blink of an eye?

Lee: The power of anime increases ordinary human ability by tenfold!

* * *

Naruto: Groan! What happened?

Sakura: Sasuke got his butt kicked by the heir of Astroboy!

TO BE CONTINUED…

* * *

Commentator: And that's the end of Chapter One! So Sam, how much has Anonymius abridged compared to Masako and Vegeta so far?

Sammy: Well Boss, Masakox and Vegeta 8639 were able to squeeze in the first three episodes of Season Two in one video! And Anonymius has done the same!

Commentator: You mean to tell us that they're the exact same length? Oh dear! So far It looks like he won't be able to make the arc shorter than Masako's and Vegeta's, now doesn't it?

Professor: You just wait. Give it time.


	2. Voldetongue

**I do not own 'Naruto' or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: ALRIGHT! IT'S FINALLY OUT! 'NARUTO THE ABRIDGED SERIES EPISODE TWENTY-THREE'! I've been waiting ages for this to come out! Is the popcorn ready Professor?

Professor: Yes Sir.

Commentator: Right then! Is everyone seated comfortably?

Sammy: Yeah Boss!

Commentator: Right then! Let's begin!

(Clicks image)

EIGHT MINUTES LATER…

(Silence)

Professor: Well…that was definitely…amusing…

Sammy: My favourite bit was Kisame's voice!

Commentator: I have been waiting-for over seven months- FOR THAT PIECE OF CRAP?

Professor: Sir! It wasn't that bad!

Commentator: Not that bad? It was like watching something from the lesser abridgers that you try to avoid, not the work of the abridging giants! There goes Anonymius' theory that the longer you wait, the better the episode!

Professor: Sir! Don't be so ungrateful! They went through all the effort of making it for the viewers!

Commentator: The viewers wanted something great!

Professor: Well at least it's out now.

Commentator: That's-

Professor: (Checking watch) By the way, Sir, we've only got a hundred and fifty words left, so if you want to respond to some of our reviews, now would be the best time.

Commentator: Oh fine then! Our first review is from- hey; this is in a red envelope. We've never got red envelopes before! I wonder if it's very important! Anyway, it's from 'The Ninth Layer':

Reported. Scriptfics are not allowed on FFnet. Please read the submission  
guidelines before posting.

Commentator: Hey! This isn't a review! This isn't a review at all! What the Hell is this?

Professor: Apparently our format isn't allowed on .

Commentator: WHAT? That can't be right. Let me see this! (Logs onto the website) no non-stories, no one or two liners, no MST, no non-historical or non-fictional characters, no interactive entry, aww crap, here it is! 'No chat/script format.' How did Anonymius miss that?

Clock: TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK-

Commentator: Well it looks like we've run out of time! Enjoy our latest chapter, 'Voldetongue'!

* * *

Kakashi: Oh crap! You all actually showed up? Hey Sakura, I thought that you'd find the Chuunin Exams to be too much of a challenge?

Sakura: I did until this mysterious ninja attacked me and boosted my confidence!

Kakashi: What, you beat him?

Sakura: No, he turned out to be an illusion.

Kakashi: Uhuh. And this boosted your confidence HOW?

Sakura: It just did!

Kakashi: Uhuh.

* * *

Kabuto: Hello there. My name is Kabuto.

Naruto: Oh! Like the pokemon?

Kabuto: NO! NOT LIKE THE POKEMON! Why does everyone keep saying that?

* * *

Kakashi: So Asuma, Kurenai, I've got to ask. How come you've got your pupils to enter the Chuunin Exams?

Asuma: Isn't it obvious? We feel that they have great skill and have the potential to become chuunin!

Kakashi: They kept asking you annoying questions about the 'Naruto' Universe, didn't they?

Asuma: They kept asking me why our world was so small.

Kurenai: My lot pestered me about what time period we were in! Personally I blame MasakoX and Vegeta 4986.

Kakashi: Why?

Kurenai: Well, if they did their job as parodiers and addressed the flaws of the series instead of ranting about flashbacks and making really obscure anime references that only complete otaku would ever get, we wouldn't have to explain it ourselves!

Asuma: That's why I think 'Yu-Gi-Oh The Abridged Series' is the best abridged series ever. I don't think there's a single flaw in 'Yu-Gi-Oh' that Littlekuriboh doesn't miss out on! And he does it so well that making a different 'Yu-Gi-Oh' parody would be highly unnecessary! Even more amazing is that he hasn't made any flaws or inconsistencies up in order to get laughs! Well except for Kaiba summoning three Blue White Dragons in one turn but then that does happen in the parody so it's still funny.

Kakashi: You know Kurenai, 'Naruto the Abridged Series' did address the ambiguous time period.

Kurenai: I guess.

Asuma: By the way, have you heard about the proctor for the first exam?

Kakashi: No. Who is he?

Asuma: His name's Ebiki, and he's a sadist.

Kakashi: A sadist? Do tell.

Asuma: He's a former interrogator.

Kakashi: Oh. Really? (They have an interrogator for an exam instructor, do they? Mwahahahaha. Mwhahahahaa. MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!)

* * *

Kiba: Man. That first exam was a load of b***!

Ino: Wait, did you just say 'b***' in a children's cartoon?

Kiba: Yeah. So?

Ino: Isn't that S-rank swearing that shouldn't be in a children's cartoon?

Naruto: Didn't you hear? This adaptation doesn't bother with any kind of 'shielding the kids' from things meant for adults! None at all! Now who wants to share this bottle of grapefruit juice to celebrate our success?

Sakura: Grapefruit juice? Wait, isn't that-

Kakashi: So? How was the first exam? Pretty scarring, was it?

Naruto: Well it was stressful. But we pulled through!

Sakura and Sasuke: Yeah!

Kakashi: (Damnit. I was hoping that they would get permanently scarred for life in there! Oh well. Maybe one of the animals in the next exam will eat one of them.)

* * *

(Someone badly disguised as the floor crawls up behind Naruto)

Sammy: Huh? Hey! It's the One-Foot Tall Brick Wall!

Teneko: The One-Foot tall brick wall? I LOVE THAT CHARACTER!

Commentator: Teneko? What are you doing here?

Teneko: I heard that the One-Foot Tall Brick Wall was in town, so I came over to check it out. Oo, oo! Hey One-Foot Tall Brick Wall, can I have your autograph?

Naruto, Konohamaru and friends: AAAAH! IT'S A MONSTER! RUN AWAY!

Teneko: No wait, come back! I think you're one of the best 'Naruto Abridged' characters ever, you could defeat the Log any day!

Commentator: This is why I never choose Teneko as an assistant commentator. Hey, Professor, are you getting this odd feeling of déjà vu?

Sammy: Deja who?

Commentator: Like present happenings have already occurred!

Professor: I'm more concerned why no one has moved while Naruto, Konohamaru and friends have been having a comical scene! It's almost like they and the surrounding background are fake!

(As Teneko chases after Konohamaru, his tail hits the background and knocks it over)

Professor: What do you know? It really was fake after all!

Director: Hey! Cut!

(Commentators freeze, and look at the television crew)

Director: What do you think you are doing? Get that dinosaur out of here!

Commentator: Hey! Teneko can roam free wherever he likes!

Teneko: I'm sorry! I only wanted to get an autograph from the One-Foot Tall Brick Wall!

Director: There's no such thing as the One-Foot Tall Brick Wall!

Teneko: (Pointing at Konohamaru and friends) Ahem. I beg to differ.

Konohamaru: Please don't let him eat me!

Teneko: Gasp! It's evolved into Konohamaru and friends!

Commentator: Hey? How come we've never noticed this television crew before?

Professor: I think it's a one off gag.

* * *

Naruto: Okay Konohamaru, badly camouflaging yourself with the floor was one thing, but using that same disguise when on grass? Even you aren't that stupid!

Professor: Didn't you know? Fillers are by nature stupid!

Naruto: Wait, this is a filler episode?

Konohamaru: It's more than that, Naruto Nii-san. It's a clip show!

Naruto: But why do we even need a clip show, didn't we already recap everything about five episodes ago?

Professor: This show is strangely fond of flashbacks. It's another sign that J.J Abrams writes for 'Naruto'.

Konohamaru: We'd like to interview those in the Chuunin Exams!

Sasuke: I'll give Naruto's. Hi, I'm Naruto. I'm a typical Shonen hero- meaning that I'm completely thick and gluttonous! Believe it!

Naruto: Okay, that does it! You've just crossed the line! NOBODY MAKES FUN OF MY CATCHPHRASE!

Commentator: Too late, the rest of the world already has!

* * *

Sasuke: Watch out, Sakura! That Naruto is a fake!

Sakura: But Sasuke! We've already had a fake Naruto! Surely the mangaka isn't so uncreative as to repeat the exact same scenario right after he already did it?

Sasuke: But that's what makes it so ingenious, Sakura! It's the last thing anyone would ever expect!

Grass Ninja: What cunning prey you are. To see through the camouflage of the predator stalking you.

Sasuke: Gasp! The Naruto phony's actually a woman!

Grass Ninja: I'M A MAN!

Sasuke: Wait, really? But you look like a-

Grass Ninja: I can prove it if you like. Would you like me to do it above the equator or below?

Sasuke: ABOVE THE EQUATOR, ABOVE!

Sasuke Slashers: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Sakura: I'd go for below!

(Sasuke and the Grass Ninja stare at her)

Sakura: If I was the world's greatest slut, HAHAHAHAHA. Seriously, though, take off your pants.

Sasuke: Why is it that the bishonen in our series actually look like women? Seriously, they make bishonen in other series look like drag queens!

Bishonen from other anime: HEY!

Grass Ninja: You prey are too confident against the predator. But the predator will break your spirit.

Sasuke and Sakura: AAAH!

Sasuke: Wha-what manner of jutsu was that?

Grass Ninja: Foolish prey, that was no jutsu. It was a literary representation of a murderous glare!

Sasuke: That doesn't make any sense!

Grass Ninja: What, and everything else in this series does?

Naruto: Don't worry everyone; I'm here to save the day!

Sasuke: No Naruto! I'll give him the scroll!

Naruto: Him? Who's him? All I see is this woman!

Sasuke: We've already gone through this, Naruto!

Grass Ninja: I see. You plan to appease the predator by giving something precious to him? I mean me? How very typical of prey-

Sakura: Will you stop it with the whole predator/prey analogy already? What, did Viz Media write your lines or something?

Grass Ninja: No, the analogy is straight from the manga.

Sakura: Oh. Well that's okay then!

Sasuke: Wait, how does being from the manga make bad analogies okay?

Sakura: Oh I only thought it was bad because I thought it was from the dub. But it's okay if it's from the manga!

* * *

Naruto: Don't do it, Sasuke!

Sasuke: Shut up, Naruto! Appeasement stopped the Nazis and Mussolini in the Thirties, right? Right?

Naruto: Screw you, I'm taking it!

Sasuke: Naruto! What are you doing you idi-

(Naruto punches him)

Sakura: Well done Naruto for knocking some sense into him!

Naruto: No actually I punched him because I always wanted to do it. You had it coming, Sasuke! Now I guess it's up to me to fight the mysterious Grass Ninja-

(Grass Ninja knocks him away)

Naruto: -Ow…

Sakura: Naruto, stop trying to be the hero! Honestly, you've been more useless than me this whole arc! And that's saying something!

Sasuke: That's a little harsh, Sakura. No one is as useless as you.

Sakura: Well it's nice that you're-HEY!

Naruto/Kyuubi: I'm not quite done yet.

Sasuke and Sakura: Eh?

Grass Ninja: (So. The Kyuubi Jinchuuriki lives.)

Commentator: He's supposed to be dead?

Grass Ninja: Apparently.

Commentator: Is this a dubbing continuity error, like him apparently remembering a time when he was happy before all the persecution, suggesting that he was raised by someone who loved him when he was little?

Grass Ninja: No, it's in the manga and everything.

Commentator: Wow! I wonder what story is behind what Oro-

Grass Ninja: AHEM!

Commentator: Sorry. What the Grass Ninja just said!

* * *

Grass Ninja: (I see now. Whenever Naruto is apparently beaten and all hope is lost, his inner power emerges in deus ex machina fashion and defeats the villain with a 100% chance of victory. It's just like the spirit bomb at the end of every Dragonball Z movie or the Mega Sword in Power Rangers. The good season, not the later ones or the crappy sequels! Well, I just know how to deal with this!) FIVE PALM SEAL!

Naruto/Kyuubi: GAK!

Grass Ninja: (Heh heh. Bet Rita Repulsa never thought of stopping the Power Rangers from using the Mega Sword. That would have saved a lot of formulaic episodes every week!)

Commentator: Good grief, how many times has this poor boy been knocked unconscious already in this series?

No. Of Times That Naruto Has Been Knocked Unconscious: Five.

Commentator: Thank you!

Sasuke: Naruto's attempt to defeat you have encouraged me to attack you!

(Uses a fire jutsu aimed at the Grass Ninja)

Grass Ninja: Ohhhh sh-

BOOM

Sasuke: There! That's him taken care of!

Grass Ninja: Not quite.

Sasuke: Hey, what happened to your voice?

Grass Ninja: This is what I really sound like.

Sasuke: Wait, if that's your real voice then how come your thoughts sounded like the voice you just had?

Grass Ninja: To throw off anyone who could have possibly been listening to my thoughts.

Sasuke: Wait, who would-

(Grass Ninja pulls off face)

Sasuke: Gasp! It's Voldemort's Great, Great Grandfather or something!

Sakura: What, Salazar Slytherin? I thought he looks more like Wormtongue!

Grass Ninja: Actually, you're both half right. My name is Voldetongue! But you can call me Orochimaru.

Sasuke: What do you want, Voldetongue?

Orochimaru: I'm here for you, Sasuke.

Sasuke: EWW!

Orochimaru: (Groan) I hate 'Naruto the Abridged series'. No, I'm here to save your character!

Sasuke: …My character?

Orochimaru: At the moment you are a Rival type character, and it is the destiny of all Rivals to eventually be eclipsed by the Hero. Once that happens, they can never regain their position and no one takes them seriously. I however can change your fate. (Neck extends and Orochimaru bites Sasuke)

Sakura: What have you done to Sasuke?

Orochimaru: I have injected Sasuke with a venom that will corrupt his soul, and turn him to the dark side of Chakra. (Starts to sink in the ground) Eventually he will be drawn to me, and become my apprentice. Then he will try to kill and set up his own evil organisation dedicated to killing his brother, before joining a powerful organisation that will later serve as the main antagonists of the series, manoeuvring him to attack his own home village, and the entire process should be complete in about a hundred and fifty issues. (Sakura stares at him) Hey! It's a very slow acting poison!

_Is Sasuke doomed to become a villain? Will Sakura prove herself as a useful character? And will Naruto stop getting knocked unconscious so frequently? Join us next time on 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentar-'_

Commentator: Hey! Nameless Narrator Guy from 'Heroes Abridged'! This is MY territory! Go back to your own!

_I don't want to. Besides I think I do a much better job concluding chapters than you._

Commentator: -That's it. (Takes out pen) You've just made my list! (Writes on piece of paper entitled 'Enemies', with 'Nameless Narrator Guy' at the bottom. On the list are names from 'One' to 'Five', 'Darren', 'The Lawyer', 'The Clock', 'The Ninth Layer', and 'The Writing Staff')

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

* * *

**The views of Kurenai and the Commentator on 'Naruto The Abridged Series' do not reflect my own views. I have no desire in telling MasakoX and Vegeta3986 how to do a parody, and their latest video was funny.**

**However, it was not the best episode.**

**And the creators do go on about flashbacks a bit.**

**And there are a few obscure anime references that I never got.**

**And there are a lot of flaws or things to make fun of that I think they've missed out on.**

**Oh yeah and before I forget, the whole 'deja who' thing was adopted from a 'Casper' episode!**


	3. Sakura Blossoms?

**I do not own Naruto or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ………

**Hey Com! Wake up!**

Commentator: SPLUH- Huh? Anonymius! you're back! Where the Hell have you been?

**Sorry Com, and everyone, I've been busy with work and bleach fan wikies and planning out Heroes and Jumper Commentaries and headaches. But I'm back now! You know how I don't like leaving anything unfinished!**

Commentator: *Cough* Rider Saga *Cough*Epic of Mellegor *Cough* Nightwalker *Cough* Revenge of a Warrior-

**Shut up!**

Commentator: Sorry Anon! (Pats chest) Had bit of a cough spasm there.

**Grrrr. Maybe you're right. Perhaps I should return writing original stuff and forget all about parodies?**

Commentator: …WHOA WHOA WHOA! Let's not be hasty here! Think about your readers! You wouldn't want to be one of these people who creates something then leaves it unfinished, do you?

**No of course not. Now then how about responding to a few reviews?**

Commentator: I thought you'd never ask! Professor! Open the shoot! Professor?

Professor: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Commentator: WAKE UP!

WHACK

Professor: Ow! You didn't have to hit me, Sir! What's going on?

Commentator: Anonymius is back!

Professor: -For real? I thought he'd gave up on fanfiction.

Commentator: No, no, he just abandoned us so that he could write other fanfiction. Now how about opening that shoot?

Professor: The what now?

Commentator: Come on, Prof, it hasn't been THAT long!

Professor: I know, Sir. That was my attempt at humour.

(Opens the shoot. Three envelopes fall out.)

Commentator: Right then! Our first review is from jcogginsa:

lee is actually his first name,as the japanese put their surnames with futher ado-

Commentator: Wait, what-?

BANG

Professor and Sammy: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

Commentator: (Wipes soot from face), Yes, thank you for that guys. About Lee's name, Anonymius assumed that since in the U.S. version everyone's name is in the western order, and that Rock Lee's name in the U.S. version is 'Rock Lee', that Rock is his first name and Lee is his last. Of course, I'm not entirely sure what kind of name is 'Rock'.

Professor: Perhaps it is the same as calling someone 'Light'. People in Japan may not really think of the English meaning.

Commentator: I guess. So in western order it would actually be 'Lee Rock?' What kind of a last name is 'Rock'? Actually is it his last name or just a nickname? Well anyway, on to the next review. This is from Selena Antares:

Oh my gosh, this is great! I absolutely love Orochimaru's description of his poison, very original. Actually, I love basically every parody you've written, even the ones for series that I haven't actually watched. Oh... um... by the way, is it okay if I borrow the Commentator for a story I'm working on? I promise I'll give you credit and everything. Keep up-

Clock: TICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICK-

Commentator: Uh oh, we're running out of time! Again. So here's the next chapter, "Sakura Blossoms?"! (Unfortunately we couldn't put a question mark in the actual title since it wouldn't allow it)

* * *

Sakura: (Can't go to sleep. Must stay awake to protect Naruto and Sasuke)

Commentator: I fear you staying either awake or asleep won't make much of a difference.

Sakura: SHUT UP! The title of this chapter is 'Sakura Blossoms!'

Commentator: Actually it's 'Sakura Blossoms?', which suggests that-

Sakura: ZZZZZZZZZZ.

Commentator: Man. Everyone seems tired today!

**Shut up!**

Naruto: Man, that was a good nap!

Sakura: Naruto!

Sasuke: Sakura, you looked after and protected us? I think I love you! I want to marry you!

Orochimaru: And so the prey remain unaware that the predator is stalking them.

Commentator: What, are you, narrating an animal documentary, or something? Huh. Usually they would have responded right about now.

Sakura: (Oh no! Orochimaru's about to attack us! And I've lost my voice!)

Professor: Something's very perculiar about this scene.

Commentator: No kidding. What's with the man with the cheese?

Cheese man: I've made some room for the cheese slices!

Sakura: Oh, it was only a dream!

Naruto: Damnit! I was sure that I had woken up!

Sound Ninja: Hello there. We're here to kill Sasuke.

Sakura: Well I won't let you! I'll stop you!

Sound Ninja: HAHA! HAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

Sakura: What, I'm serious! I can take all three of you-

Dosu: Oh STOP IT YOU'RE KILLING ME! Which is probably how you intended to fight us, right?

Sound Ninja: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

FIVE MINUTES LATER..

Sound Ninja: -HAHAHAHAHA-

Dosu: Okay, HA, okay –HA- I've got- a hold of myself. There. That was the most hilarious thing I've ever heard. Now then, where were we?

Lee: Hold it right there! I won't let you harm Sakura-chan!

Sakura: Lee? Why are you saving me?

Lee: Because I love you, Sakura, and I will protect you, even if I was to lose my life!

Sakura: But, we barely know each other!

Lee: Even if it were for an acquaintance, I'd still sacrifice my life.

Zaku: You're a fool to fight me. I can do things you've never even dreamed of.

Lee: Can you do more than spinning at a high velocity?

Zaku: -Well no-

Lee: Then don't utter complete crap like 'I can do things you've never even dreamed of'!

(After knocking out Lee, Zaku advances at Sakura)

Sakura: (All right! Time to defend and prove myself!)

Lee: (Appears out of nowhere) Don't worry, Sakura-Chan! I'll protect you!

Sakura: Lee, get out of the way! I had this one!

Lee: You can thank me all you want later-

Sakura: (Punches Lee) GET OUT OF MY WAY!

(Sends Lee rolling into the ground)

Zaku: Mwahaha! Now that your protector is out, there is no one who can protect you!

Sakura: I'm the one who knocked him out!

Ino: Don't worry! We're here to protect Team 7!

Sakura: WILL PEOPLE STOP COMING TO MY RESCUE?

Ino: Sorry Sakura, it's just that you suck at fighting.

Sakura: If I seem to suck, it's because over-zealous fighters like you always usurp the action!

* * *

Sakura: All right! Time to prove myself!

Sasuke: Don't worry Sakura! I'll protect you!

Sakura: Sasuke, I had this one!

Sasuke: You can thank me all you want later!

* * *

Sakura: For once will people let me fight my own battles?

Ino: Oh fine, we'll just stand over here in case you need us!

Sakura: That won't be necessary!

(Kin grabs Sakura by the hair)

Kin: Out of ideas yet, little girl?

Sakura: Well, there is one technique I can use. But it's so powerful that I can only use it once.

Kin: Oh, what is it? Is it the fainting no jutsu? Oh wait, that can't be it, you use that all the time! I've got it; it's the summoning log jutsu, isn't it?

Sakura: No.

Kin: -Well what is it?

Sakura: It's- (Cuts her hair) THE EPIPHANY NO JUTSU!

Kin: Oh! We're actually f****ked, aren't we?

Dosu: There is a slight possibility.

Sakura: Ever since the series began, I've always stood outside of the action, watching Naruto and Sasuke do all the work. Well not this time! This time- I shall become- USEFUL!

Zaku: You know what, she might just be able to pull it off!

Sakura: INFINITE SUBSTITUTION NO JUTSU!

Commentator: Where is she getting all those logs?

Zaku: Oh no! That's the real one! This looks like this is the end!

(Sakura bites Zaku's arm. Everyone stares. Zaku knocks her off)

Dosu: Dear God, woman, even when you've had an epiphany you're still completely useless! What does that say about you?

Kin: Seriously, it's characters like you that give shonen heroines a bad reputation!

Ino: Okay, now can we come to your rescue?

Sakura: No! I've got this!

Ino: Sakura, you were biting the man's arm for crying out loud, you're clearly bad at this!

Sakura: I said I've got this!

Ino: Come on Sakura, you-

Naruto: I can't believe it's already been the equivalent of three episodes and I'm still unconscious! I'm the main character, yet I'm out of it for most of the action?

Goku: Welcome to my world.

Sakura: Ino, I don't need any help-

Sasuke: AAAAAAH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'm waking up and joining the fight!

One EPIC FIGHT LATER

Sasuke: There. That wasn't so hard.

Chouji: Man, Naruto's still asleep. What should we do?

Shikamaru: I know! Let's be total jerks and hit him awake!

Chouji: Sweet!

Commentator: Ahem. Allow me to do the honours.

WHACK

Naruto: Ow, my head! And I didn't even use my catchphrase!

Professor: Hey, I thought your brother confiscated that mallet?

Commentator: What he doesn't know can't hurt him! Hey speaking of your catchphrase, Naruto, I haven't heard you use it in a while. What's up with that? Not that I'm complaining, I'm just curious.

Naruto: Oh ever since Sasuke made fun of my catchphrase I've lost any will to use it.

Commentator: -Sasuke achieved ridding the anime of your catchphrase with just making fun of it once what my constant whacking failed to achieve?

Professor: It appears that Sasuke has the same ability as Nathan Petrelli to completely change people with single horrid remarks.

Commentator: I thought his ability was to fly?

Professor: This is his other ability. I believe it's called the 'Altering Character's Personalities With Single Horrid Remarks No Jutsu'.

Naruto: What happened here?

Shikamaru: We could tell you, but it would be too complicated for you to understand!

Commentator: How complicated could it be to say 'Three Sound ninja attacked you and your team, and Lee and us came to your rescue?'

Shikamaru: (Shh! We're acting like total jerks!)

Chouji: Yeah! Naruto's a loser!

Commentator: Wow. You guys really are jerks. I mean what has Naruto ever done to you two?

Shikamaru: Hey, don't blame us! Blame our highly prejudicial parents whose prejudice we've inherited!

Commentator: Hey, their prejudice I can understand! You're just hating him for no reason!

Sakura: Well this was a good battle! Thanks to it, my confidence has been boosted and I have become less useless than before!

Ino: No, Sakura, you just went ahead and proved you're as useless as everyone thought!

* * *

Kiba: Hey, what's going on over there?

Shigure: Hah! You may think you're tough, Garra, but I've got news for you! I've been planning for this battle my whole life. I get the top scores on DDR!

Gaara: What.

Shigure: So no matter how much funk you have, you can't beat me!

Gaara: That's it. I've had it up to here with people mistaking me for Gaara of the Funk! DIE!

Shigure: GAK!

Random Grass Ninja 1: Oh no!

Random Grass Ninja 2: Shigure got killed by Gaara of the Funk!

Gaara: (Clutches head) I am not Gaara of the Funk!

Random Grass Ninjas: GAK!

_Will Gaara's frustration at being confused with another parody character pose a threat to our heroes? Will Naruto ever gain the respect of his peers? And will Sakura finally become a useful character in a fight?_

_C_ommentator: Not for another hundred and seventy-nine episodes.

_………..?_

Commentator: Yeah, manga based anime does everything slow. Even when there's filler episodes involved.

_…Ahem, join us next time on Naruto Abridged (With Commentary)!_

**P.S. I do not own the cheese man either!**

* * *


	4. The Preliminaries: Part One

**I do not own Naruto or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Hey Prof! I keep meaning to ask, but things keep getting in the way. How well has Anonymius done in abridging the series compared to Masakox and Vegeta3986?

Sammy: I'll answer that, Boss! Vegeta5986 and MasakoX were able to abridge the next three episodes into one video, but Anonymius was able to abridge eight!

Commentator: (Damnit. That gives him a lead!) And the instalments after that?

Sammy: Well, Vegeta4986 and MasakoX abridged five episodes, but Anonymius only abridged four, however, he still has a lead in the series!

Commentator: Only because he cheated again and skipped most of an episode!

Professor: But to be fair, Sir, so did Vegeta and Masako.

Commentator: (Damnit. By this rate I'm going to lose the bet) Say Prof. When I first establish this bet, I was under the impression that Anonymius only made one less instalment than the Vegeat and masako.

Professor: What's your point?

Commentator: My point is that he actually made less than three. So how about we make the bet a bit more interesting?

Professor: What do you have in mind?

Commentator: How about we raise the stakes a little? Instead of less than one episode, how about three?

Professor: Sir, you would only make a bet like that because you 're worried of losing. Why would I ever give in to that?

Commentator: How about we double the money?

Professor: Meh.

Commentator: Triple?

Professor: -I'm interested.

Commentator: All right then, quadruple.

Professor: Done. Now then, how about I open the shoot?

Commentator: You do that!

(The professor does so, and out pops four envelopes)

Commentator: Right then! Our first review is from Haruko Kurimasu:

Once again, brilliant! I literally laughed out loud when the Commentator asked if Oro was filming an animal documentary! Too bad for Gaara as well, bing mistakened for MasakoX and Vegeta's Gaara of the Funk!  
Who's the Cheese Man, BTW?

The Cheese Man in question is an imaginary character from 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer', who appears in the episode 'Restless' in each of the four main character's dreams. Apparently he was thrown in amongst all the meaningful imagery of the dreams to represent a typical, meaningless dream. Hah. If we hadn't disclaimed him, everyone would have probably thought that the cheese man was Anonymius' own creation. This has been an example of a useful disclaim, rather than something disclaiming something everyone knows you don't own!

Professor: Our next review is from Mast Hut:

hahahahahaha! good chapter1 Sakura is the most useless anime character i've ever seen.  
Sakura: What about Naruto shippud-  
me: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY REVIEW!

Commentator: HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! That was actually quite funny! And I see you've been learning from Anonymius! Good for you! Although it would have flowed better without the 'the Hell'.

Sammy: Our next review is-

Clock: TICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICK-

Commentator: And that's all we've got time for! Here is the next chapter, "The Preliminaries: Part One"!

Sammy: Aww, but I didn't get to respond to a review!

* * *

Hokage: Welcome, survivors. I'm glad you all survived. And I can see a lot of you have survived this year!

Kakashi, Asuma and Kurenai: (Damnit. They all survived.)

Kakashi: Hey Guy! I couldn't help but notice that all of your students have survived. You must be pretty, er, 'proud of them' eh? I'm sure proud of my students!

Guy: Yes I am!

Kakashi: Wait; you were being sincere, weren't you? Didn't you just enter them into this thing cos they kept asking you irritating questions about the Naruto universe?

Guy: Well they were certainly curious youngsters! And I told them that we live in a small, unicultural world with an ambiguous time period!

Kakashi: And their constant pestering didn't bother you at all?

Guy: Not at all! I say all children should ask plenty of questions!

Kakashi: (Groan, I've forgotten who I was talking to!)

Hokage: Since there are still too many of you, we need you to go through an elimination round. But first, let me enrich your minds with a boring story about the origins of the Chuunin Exams.

Candidates: GROAN!

Hokage: You see it's all really about kicking the crap out of your enemies.

Sakura: But Lord Hokage! I thought it was all about making friends?

Hokage: Don't you know, Sakura? In the world of shonen anime, you make friends by beating your opponents!

Sakura: That doesn't make any sense!

Hokage: It's also an effective way to rehabilitate a character who has gone astray. Just beat them in a battle, and they'll renounce their evil ways and join the forces of good. Now then, for this next exam we'll be pitting you randomly against each other.

Naruto: Randomly? But what happens if two teammates have to fight each other?

Hokage: Then you'll still have to fight.

Naruto: But doesn't that completely contradict the lesson of the last few tests that this is all a team effort?

Shikamaru: Yeah! Plus doesn't a full frontal attack go against the backstabbing, cloak and dagger style fighting of a ninja?

Hokage: I'm afraid that shonen law compels us to include arena-style duels. Now if everyone's finished asking questions-

Naruto: I have more! But, you go ahead.

Hokage: -We'll be inputting your names into this computer.

Naruto: Wait. We have computers?

Kakashi: Yes Naruto, we have computers, this has already been pointed out in another 'Naruto' parody.

Naruto: So…what time period is this?

Kakashi: That issue has already been raised in that same 'Naruto' parody!

Sasuke: Well, Naruto does have a point. What time period is this supposed to be?

Kakashi: Why do you always ask me, can't you ask the Hokage?

Hokage: Thank you, Kakashi, but I think I'll let you explain the ambiguous time period found in many anime fantasy worlds.

Kakashi: …(I hate you, old man!) Okay, what you've got to remember is that like the 'Naruto' Universe, all anime fantasy worlds, unlike western ones which tend to be firmly set in the past, borrow elements from all points in time. A good example is 'Fullmetal Alchemist', which has a nineteenth century setting, yet a modern level of fashion, and futuristic robotic limbs. In fact this technique of an ambiguous time period has probably baffled all those who first become accustomed to Japanese media, so much that when 'Sonic The Hedgehog first came out, they re-presented Sonic's world as a different planet called Mobius instead of actually being an alternate Earth, probably because alternate Earths in western media that are set in the present or future tend to be in side-stories rather than the focus.

Naruto: Wait, Mobius isn't real? It's just a dub creation like the Shadow Realm?

Sasuke: Why do you think in the latest 'Sonic' cartoon Sonic's world is just referred to as 'Sonic's World' rather than Mobius? It's actually an alternate universe rather than a planet.

Naruto: You know the dub could have just changed this.

Sasuke: Apparently they were going for a more unaltered dub, which is why Dr. Robotnik was called Eggman rather than Robotnik.

Naruto: Well yeah, but what name's gonna strike fear into the hearts of your enemy more? Eggman? Or Robotnik?

Sasuke: Well they gave the name Robotnik to his grandfather.

Naruto: How does that work?

Sasuke: I o know.

Kakashi: Indeed, because the U.S. version shielded westerners from the truth of Japanese fantasy that when 'Pokemon' came out everyone was probably baffled as to whether it was the future, that it was our world that Pokemon came to in the future or a different planet that humans colonised, whereas it was more like an alternate universe like Middle Earth.

Sasuke: Actually Kakashi unlike later fantasy worlds that draw inspiration from it, Middle Earth's not a parallel universe at all. It's more like Britain's mythical past set around the same time of Norse mythology or Greek mythology-

Kakashi: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY 'SHUT THE HELL UP' BEFORE YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?

Sasuke: I was only saying, that's all! It's a common misunderstanding about 'Lord of the Rings'!

Naruto: So yeah, what time period are we in?

Kakashi: DIDN'T I JUST MAKE IT CLEAR? You can't compare our timeline to that of the real world since it draws aspects from all time perspectives!

(Everyone stares at him)

Kakashi: Groan, look. Put it this way. Imagine that our world once reached a modern level of technology, then a cataclysm caused us to go back to a mostly medieval level of technology.

Naruto: Wow! Imagine all the fanfics and storylines that could be made out of it! Commentator, is this your doing?

Commentator: Oh sure. I cause one electrical surge that wipes out all technology and you think I make a habit of it!

* * *

Yoroi: All right, Sasuke! You're going down!

Sasuke: I doubt it.

Yoroi: Huh?

Sasuke: Come on dude, I'm a main character! And you're a random one! I mean you don't even have your own character design!

Yoroi: I don't need my own character design; I have fiery hands of dea-

(Sasuke kicks him in the stomach)

Yoroi: Oof!

(Sending him crashing down into the floor)

* * *

Orochimaru: Hello Kakashi-kun. We meet again.

Kakashi: Man, couldn't you have used a less corny line?

Orochimaru: Shut up! At least I didn't say 'Long time no see'! Say, that looks new, Kakashi-Kun.

Kakashi: What does?

Orochimaru: That sharingan of yours.

Kakashi: I thought you left after I got it?

Orochimaru: Come again?

Kakashi: You left after my sensei became Hokage, yet I gained my sharingan before he became Hokage.

Orochimaru: Huh. That doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?

Kakashi: Nope. None at all. Hold on. (Reads through manga) Yep. That line isn't in the original manga at all.

Orochimaru: Wow. So who do you think screwed up? The writing staff, or the dubbing staff?

Kakashi: The dubbing staff likely. So what brings you back to Konoha, Voldetongue?

Orochimaru: I'm here for Sasuke. And not in that way! I plan to use him.

Kakashi: Didn't you send three sound ninja to kill him?

Orochimaru: They were only to test Sasuke's power.

Kakashi: Okay but weren't you worried that there was a chance that they might have successfully killed him? I mean he was unconscious at the time, as was the only other capable fighter. I mean come on! They had Sakura protecting them! It was a stroke of luck that the others stalled them long enough for Sasuke to revive!

Orochimaru: -Yeah, I didn't really account for that.

Kakashi: So what do you intend to do with your three ninja?

Orochimaru: You seem to have the wrong idea, Kakashi-kun. Those three are just pawns. The sound four are my knights and rooks, whereas Kabuto's more like a bishop.

Kakashi: Wait, Kabuto's working for you?

Orochimaru: Ah. I've said too much.

Kakashi: So what is Sasuke in your little game of chess?

Orochimaru: He's a more valuable piece. He's more like a queen.

Sasuke: I can hear you, you know! I don't appreciate being called a queen!

Orochimaru: (Walks away) Just wait in about ninety episodes, and you'll see.

* * *

Kankuro: Now feel the wrath of my puppet!

Karasu: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Naruto: He fights with creepy looking puppets? I never thought I'd believe ever seeing a fighting technique as sinister as it is lame! Hey, isn't fighting with basically two people against one kind of unfair?

Kakashi: This is coming from someone who's main technique is to multiply himself and overwhelm his opponents with his numbers?

Naruto: That's different in a life and death situation! In a controlled situation like this I'd prefer to play fair.

Kakashi: Um, Naruto, you do know that ninjas THEY DON'T PLAY FAIR, right?

Naruto: Do ninjas also have magical powers?

Kakashi: Ah, touche.

* * *

Iruka: Why is the camera panning towards me?

(Silence)

Iruka: Groan, I HATE 'Naruto The Abridged Series'!

Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, Kakashi and Gaara: Welcome to the club.

_And so, the first three matches have commenced. How well will the others do? Tune in next time on 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary)'!_

* * *

Commentator: So how well has Anonymius done abridging compared to Vegeta and Masako so far?

Sammy: Well Boss, Vegeta and Masako abridged about eight episodes, and Anonymius only seven, but he's still in the lead!

Commentator: (Yes, but only by one installment. He needs to be ahead by three in order for the Professor to win the bet! Mwahahaha. Mwhahahaa! MWAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!)


	5. The Preliminaries: Part Two

**I do not own Naruto or anything re-wait, what, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!**

* * *

Commentator: Nyeeheeheeheeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! How do you like my genetically altered strangling plant, Anonymius? Is it organic to your liking?

Sammy: But Boss! If it's been Genetically modified, then it isn't organic!

(The Commentator slaps him into a wall)

Professor: Sir! What have you done?

Commentator: This is payback for cutting me out of 'Doctor Who Abridged'! Did you really think you could cut me out? I'm the only reason your parodies don't suck like the rest! Me! The Commentator! No one would enjoy them as much if I weren't in them!

Sammy: I would!

(The Commentator slaps him into the wall again)

Commentator: Now then, (Sits on a throne) I am in command of Anonymius Productions now! And I'm going to make a few changes! First of all, I'm abolishing the stupid disclaiming everything we don't own that everyone knows we don't own! It's pointless, it's only done because people think that will excuse them from publishing copyrighted material online (Which it doesn't. You might as well be a thief, steal something, get caught and protest "I don't own this! This is the property of such and such!"), and it doesn't really apply here since we're not using the actual clips or dialogue, and if we really were doing something illegal, we would have had stuff taken off years ago. Now then, second change, I'm getting rid of the Clock.

(Minions chuck the Clock out of the window)

Clock: YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Plop).

Commentator: And you know what that means: UNLIMITED REVIEW SPECIAL! So Professor! Open the shoot!

(The Professor does so, and out pops five envelopes)

Commentator: Right then! Our first review is from MeCKumSOFT:

Just finished the latest chapter and I look forward to the next one.

Although.. one thing does bother me, the whole Sakura being useless - which I'll admit she is, 'til Shippuuden and even then just for one maybe two fights - but considering she had no unique skills (Kekkei Genkai / Good Jutsus) or a Jinchurriki, she's actually survived a lot and done her fair share.

True.

Professor: Our second review is from P5yCH0:

LOL, ROFL, then some more LOL.

Sorry for not being able to make more intelligent review, but my brain is still laughing.

That's okay. We still appreciate the not so intelligent reviews.

Sammy: Our third review is from Tentenperson-lonelygirl:

awsome dude XD well I like this better the Vegeta and Masako's even though you mention some things that they dont mention, they mention things that you dont say, etc. but whatever XD. and yet i still find things i can make fun of hehehe

Commentator: She thinks we're better than Vegeta3986 and MasakoX? OH YEAH! WE RULE! WE TOTALLY- wait a minute. We've missed out on things that could have been made fun of? That's impossible, we never miss out on anything, making fun of a series flaw forms the stable joke in our parodies!

Professor: This next review is from veteran veiwer jcogginsa:

anonymius,the clock that is supposed to keep Prof. and Com. from wasting time while they reply to reviews isn't don't you have some incentive to reply to all the reviews,like everytime they take to long,they get hit in the ** with lightning.  
also,littlekuriboh made a naruto parody

Commentator: Well, Anonymius? What do you have to say for yourself?

**MMMPHMMMPH!MMMMMMMMMPH!**

Commentator: Oh what's that? Genetically modified plant got your tongue? Well hang on!

(Plant removes from my mouth)

**I'd like to respond to every review I get, really I'd do, but I set myself a word limit so I don't go on for too long in fears of boring my readers by stalling the parody- Mmmphmmmph, MMMPHMMMPHMMMPHMMMPH!**

Commentator: That's enough from you for now. And About your idea about strking people with lightning if they review goes on for too long, try to restrict what they want to say? We don't want to do that! Anyway our final review is from RuneKunaiV:

lol, the whole Kakashi-Orochimaru thing was cool. and Gaara of the-

(Tosses letter aside) You know what, we can skip that one!

Sammy: (Reading it) Why, Boss? It just talks about how Gaara of the Funk is cool and that he or she can't wait for the battle between him and Lee Rock.

(Sand suddenly appears)

Gaara: I AM NOT GAARA OF THE FUNK! (Starts to turn into Shukaku) I AM GAARA OF THE DESERT! GAARA OF THE FUNK IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PARODY CHARACTER!

Commentator: Yeah, we know, Gaara. Well that's everyone, and it only took about three hundred words extra! So here's the latest chapter: 'The Preliminaries, Part 2'!

* * *

Hayate: Next match: Sakura Vs Ino!

(Everyone bets on Ino)

* * *

Sakura: All right, it's time to prove to everyone once and for all that I'm not a useless character!

* * *

Naruto: Man, what a boring fight! It's almost as if they're not giving it their all!

Commentator: What are you talking about, Naruto, this match is perhaps the most interesting of them all!

Naruto: Say what?

Commentator: This one flows a lot better than the others!

Kakashi: The reason why it's so apparently boring is because they're not giving it their all. Having been best friends and all.

Commentator: These two bitter enemies were once best friends? What a cliche!

* * *

Ino: Hah! I've possessed you! Now to make you surrender!

Hayate: That doesn't really count, you know. Although you might have gotten away with it if you had kept your plan a secret.

* * *

Ino: Hey, what's that?

Inner Sakura: All those who have seen Inner Sakura must die! I shall draw you out, Ino, like poison from a wound!

Ino: This battle- is mine!

Commentator: I guess that makes Ino the first person to become aware of Inner Sakura!

* * *

Hayate: Winner, nobody!

Chouji: Aw, man! I lost all my money!

Shikamaru: Don't worry, we can get it back in the next match!

Sakura: I can't believe I lost again!

Naruto: Hey, it could have been worse!

Sakura: How?

Naruto: It could have been just you who lost instead of it being a tie!

Hayate: Next match: Naruto vs Kiba!

Commentator: Well this is an interesting match. It's the fox versus the hound.

Professor: That joke has already been made, I'm afraid.

Commentator: DAMN YOU, GBNFD!

Naruto: (Kiba. My old school bully.) Well I'm gonna beat you! Believe- Oof!

Everyone: HOORAY!

No. Of Times Naruto Has Been Knocked Unconscious: Five.

Naruto: Hah! I was only faking it! Okay, you can go back to four now.

No. Of Times Naruto Has Been Knocked Unconscious: Five.

Naruto: What the? But I just said I was faking it!

No. Of Times Naruto Has Been Knocked Unconscious: Sorry. If you're on the ground with your eyes closed, it counts.

Naruto: Ah, damnit!

Kiba: Okay then. It seems that you're going to be tougher to beat than I thought. Akamaru, I choose you!

Akamaru: Akamaru!

Naruto: Hey, did your dog just say his name?

Kiba: What are you talking about, Naruto?

Naruto: He just said 'Akamaru'!

Akamaru: Ruff!

* * *

No. of times Naruto has been knocked unconscious: Six.

Kiba: Great job, Akamaru! Ahahahaha-AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AKAMARU'S TURNED AGAINST ME! This never happened to Ash Ketchum!

Commentator: Actually it did. When he tried to hug his Charmeleon he tried to burn him. Then he went completely rebellious for no properly explained reason.

* * *

Ash: I don't get it! He always did what I said when he was a Charmander!

Brock: Maybe it's because you haven't gained enough badges to control a pokemon with as high experience as a Charmeleon.

Misty: But our series has completely diverged from the game! I think it's because you didn't show respect to Charmeleon, so he isn't showing respect to you.

Ash: When did I disrespect him?

Old Woman: AHAHAHA! Fool! Don't you know? The second stage of Pokemon evolution is the equivalent to adolescene!

Ash: (With dramatic colours in the background) AAAAAAAH!

Brock: No! You don't mean-?

Misty: No! It can't be-?

Old Woman: I'm afraid so. Your pokemon has become- A TEENAGER!

(Everyone gives horrified stares to Charmeleon)

A.D.: _Oh, so THAT explains him rebelling for no reason!_

BOM BOM BOM CH

A.D.: _And there was me thinking it was the work of an evil genius who turns the strongest pokemon of any trainer against them out of revenge for being disqualified, or that it was a rocket who used psychic powers to turn him against Ash out of revenge for being defeated or that the rebellious Charmeleon/Charizard was actually the said rocket who had kidnapped the real Charmander out of revenge for being defeated._

(Everyone stares at him)

A.D.: _What, I'm imaginative!_

Old Woman: But don't worry about it! It's just a phase, he'll grow out of it by the time he's a Charlizard!

* * *

Commentator: Wait a minute! Something was wrong with that clip!

Sammy: I know! I don't remember any of them eating ice cream at the end!

Commentator: …Ice…cream…when…?

Kiba: Et tu, Akamaru?

Akamaru: HAHA! FOOLED YAH!

(Transforms back into Naruto)

Kiba: What the-? You- you can perform the henge no jutsu? You've never been able to perform the henge no jutsu correctly! I mean I know you could transform into that woman but this is completely different! Somehow.

Naruto: Hah! Little did you know that I deliberately messed up in class!

Kiba: …Why would you want to do that?

Naruto: Because no one pays attention to the good student.

Kiba: What the Hell are you talking about, people admire the good student, just look at Sasuke-

Naruto: Yes, this has already been pointed out to me, SHUT UP!

* * *

Sakura: I don't get it! Why doesn't Naruto just use the Shadow Clone Jutsu to defeat Kiba, he could easily beat him if he did that!

Kakashi: Apparently Naruto thinks more than one opponent in this type of battle is unfair.

Sakura: But, we're ninjas! We don't play fair! How could he dismiss the one jutsu he's good at? Without it he's as useless as me!

Kakashi: Don't exaggerate Sakura. No one is as useless as you.

Sakura: (In tears) YOU'RE MEAN!

Kiba: Haha! You were always a loser, Naruto!

Hinata: (You're wrong, Kiba. Naruto has always had the best potential out of all of us, but no one ever gave him a chance!)

Professor: Rather like how no one gives filler episodes a chance.

BOM BOM BOM CH

* * *

Kiba: Stay down! Stay down! Goddamnit, why won't you stay down! Seriously, you're surprisingly difficult to beat!

Naruto: Anime Manga law: In order to fill the required time for the episodes, scenes from the manga must be extended.

Kiba: Oh I'm not gonna stand for that! YOU DIE NOW!

* * *

Hayate: Winner, Naruto!

Commentator: You're kidding!

Hayate: Say wha?

Commentator: You can't let him win just because he farted! He can't win like that! I DEMAND A REMATCH!

Professor: But Sir, I thought you wanted Naruto to win?

Commentator: Not like this! I wanted him to win out of his own skill and strength, not because he happened to fart in the face of someone with an acute sense of smell!

Hayate: Sorry. The rules allow defeat if farted in the face and you're overwhelmed because you've got a high sense of smell.

Commentator: YOU'VE GOTTA BE S******G ME?

Sammy: No, but Naruto almost did on Kiba.

Commentator: The main character can't win out of pure luck!

Hayate: Apparently luck is an important strength in a ninja.

Commentator: That's just something Kakashi told Guy in order to talk him out of a proper battle!

Hayate: Sorry. The results stays.

(The Commentator grumbles).

* * *

Neiji: I will beat you. No offence, Big Sister.

Hinata: None at all, Little Brother.

Naruto: Wait! Those two are brother and sister? WHAT A TWIST!

Sakura: Not really. I mean they do have the same type of eyes after all!

Kakashi: Actually they're not brother and sister at all. They are part of the same family though. Hinata's from the head family whereas Neiji's from the not head family.

Naruto: What do you mean by Head?

Kakashi: Essentially the nuclear family whose head becomes the head by being the eldest who rules those outside the nuclear family.

Naruto: Oh. Right. That was actually phrased better than in the real series.

Neji: Now, Hinata I shall weaken you first. DISCOURAGING MONOLOGUE NO JUTSU! (Excellent. I can see her will level dropping!)

Naruto: ENCOURAGING SPEECH NO JUTSU!

Neiji: (What the-? No! Impossible! Now its reaching a higher level than ever before)

Hinata: All my life, I have felt useless. Well not this time! This time, I shall become: Use-

(Neiji sends her flying across the room.)

Hayate: Neiji wins.

Naruto: Wow. Epiphanies really don't work in this series, do they?

* * *

_Later it is Lee and Gaara's fight._

* * *

Kakashi: Hey, this isn't right! Where's the DDR battle? And Lee, what happened to your accent?

Lee: What accent?

Kakashi: You're supposed to say 'Eh' at the end of every sentence, like all Canadians apparently do!

Naruto: Don't mind Kakashi. He keeps confusing this series with 'Naruto The Abridged Series'.

Gaara: Well I mind! I mind a lot! (That does it. This guy's on my list!)

Lee: Why do you mind having a DDR battle Gaara…OF THE FUNK?

(Silence)

Lee: Hey, why is there no jingle?

Gaara: That does it you are so dead!

(Crushes Lee's arm and leg)

Lee: AAAAAAAAH!

Hayate: Gaara wins. And that's everyone!

Zaku, Shino, Kin, Shikamaru, Temari, Tenten, Dosu and Chouji: WHAT ABOUT US?

Hayate: Your fights were deemed incapable of humour.

Zaku, Shino, Kin, Shikamaru, Temari, Tenten, Dosu and Chouji: MASAKOX AND VEGETA 5986 SEEMED TO MANAGE!

Hayate: And trying to copy them would be very wrong. You should take it as a compliment, it means that there was nothing wrong with your fights!

Naruto: Hey, whatever happened to Kabuto?

* * *

Kabuto: Sorry, Orochimaru! They somehow found out that I was a spy, so I had to get away! No doubt it must have been due to Kakashi's greating deducting abilities!

Orochimaru: Er, yes.

Kabuot: Why are your eyes shifting from side to side?

* * *

_And so ends the preliminaries. Stay tune for the retelling of the three months the finalists spend training, next time on 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary)'!_

* * *

Commentator: So Sammy! How much has Anonymius abridged compared to Masako and Vegeta at this point?

Sammy: Well Boss, MasakoX Vegeta6986 abridged 3 and a half episodes, but Anonymius abridged nine and a half!

(The Commentator's jaw drops)

Commentator: (Damnit. That gives him another instalment ahead of the others. Still, he needs one more in order for the Professor to win the bet! MWAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!)

* * *

Professor: (Whispers) Oh and P.S., Anonymius doesn't own anything Pokemon related either-

Commentator: Prof, are you disclaiming what doesn't need to be disclaimed?

Professor: No Sir!

* * *


	6. Preparations for the Finals

_Previously on Anonymius Productions…_

**Hello all! The following is a Doctor Who parody I drafted years ago, and only now have been able to post it, updating it a little. The following parodies the Season One finale. I may parody other episodes in the future but for now-**

Commentator: Hey Anon!

**-Com? What are you doing here?**

Commentator: You seemed to have made an error in the title! You forgot to add '(With Commentary)' at the end! And how come you haven't got me introducing this parody?

Professor: You didn't tell him, did you?

**I didn't see the need.**

Commentator: -Tell me what?

**-Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but-you're not featured in this parody.**

Commentator: -WHAT? WHY THE HELL NOT?

**Because there was no need for you anywhere in this parody! I only ever give you lines when it needs it! You know how I like to keep my work organic!**

Commentator: (Mutters) (I'll give YOU organic!)

* * *

**I do not own Naruto or anything re-wait, what, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!**

Commentator: Nyeeheeheeheeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! How do you like my genetically altered strangling plant, Anonymius? Is it organic to your liking? This is payback for cutting me out of 'Doctor Who Abridged'! Did you really think you could cut me out? I'm the only reason your parodies don't suck like the rest! Me! The Commentator! No one would enjoy them as much if I weren't in them!: Now then, (Sits on a throne) I am in command of Anonymius Productions now! And I'm going to be making a few changes!

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back my normal and hero-wannabe friends to the latest instalment of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'! Now, unfortunately, Anonymius is kindof- caught up at the moment. With a genetically altered strangling plant that is!

**Mmphmmph! Mmphmmph! Mmmmmmmmph!**

Commentator: Quiet you. Ahem, now due to this preoccupation, I have had to reluctantly take over as author of Anonymius Productions! But don't worry, I will remain faithful to Anonymius' ideas and style of writing, you won't notice the difference!

* * *

_Wait a minute! What happened to my part?_

Commentator: I'm sorry?

_YOU COMPLETELY CUT ME OUT OF THE CHAPTER!_

Commentator: Oh I'm sorry, italic narrator guy. I decided that you weren't necessary.

_NOT NECESSARY? THE REASON ANONYMIUS INCLUDED ME WAS THAT I WAS NECESSARY, IT DOESN'T WORK WITH YOU!_

Commentator: I however beg to differ.

_-That's it. Imprisoning Anonymius was one thing. Introducing unlimitied review specials was another. Even skipping what Anonymius planned for Yu Yu Hakusho abridged was another another, but cutting me out? This time you've gone too far! I shall establish the resistance, a loyalist group that will restore Anonymius back into power! VIVA LA RESISTANCE!_

* * *

_And now, the continuation…_

* * *

_I am glad the rest of you were able to come, fellow resistance members. Now I shall start the roll call. The Clock!_

Clock: HERE.

_The Lawyer!_

The Lawyer: Here!

_And the Professor!_

Professor: Here.

_Right then. Wait a minute! There's only four of us?_

Lawyer: Apparently.

Professor: I would just like to point out that the only reason that I've joined this resistence is because I think my master has gone over the edge, now that he's in control of Anonymius Productions.

Clock: HOW SO?

Professor: Well…

* * *

Commentator: And now, each of the fanfics created by Anonymius shall give unto me: A SHRUBBERY!

(Dramatic Music)

Naruto: -Why a shrubbery?

Commentator: Because I like Monty Python.

BOM BOM BOM CH

Commentator: And each of you shall build a golden statue of me in your community, one that is 100 ft high and breathes fire!

Edward: And how are we supposed to do that? We don't even know what you look like!

Commentator: -Wha?

Professor: Edward Elric brings up a good point, Sir. Any hint to your appearance has carefully not been revealed.

Commentator: Hmm. You may have a point. Hey, I have an idea! We'll let our readers decide what I look like, then we'll use the descriptions to base the statues on!

Sammy: Um, not meaning to sound stupid or something, but why can't you just tell people what you look like?

Commentator: (Stares at Sammy) ARE YOU INSANE? No one would take me seriously if they knew what I really look like! In the mean time they can use this image.

(A tall figure made of shadow shrouded in a cloak with horns sprouting from the back, with red diamond glowing eyes, sword lengthed fingers and tentacles coming from the bottom of the robe appear)

Harry: WHOA! That's what you really look like?

Commentator: In some forms.

* * *

Lawyer: Ohhh. I see.

_Well anyway I asked all of you to come up with ideas as to how to defeat free Anonymius. What did you come up with?_

Lawyer and the Clock: Errrr…

_You're serious? You didn't come up with anything?_

(Awkward Silence)

_Yeah, me neither._

Professor: Don't worry, I've hired the help of the readers, they should have some ideas as to how to free Anonymius. Even if that fails, there is one person who can defeat my master.

_Let's hope that they can succeed. Til we meet again. VIVA LA RESISTANCE!_

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back my otaku and ninja wannabe friends to the latest instalment of 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary)'! Before we begin let's take a look at the reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the Shoot!

(The professor does so, and out pops three envelopes)

Commentator: Right then! Our first from Eskimo Force:

'nother great chapter - I think it's pretty funny that half the stuff is about another parody series xD Like Gaara of The Funk and even naming Vegeta and Masako. Gonna be real interesting once you pass Vegeta and Masako ^^

Commentator: Well hopefully it will encourage them to produce more episodes given the competition, and they will feature us in one video describing how great I am-I mean we are!

Professor: (In your dreams, Sir)

Commentator: What was that?

Professor: Nothing! On to the next review, by jcogginsa:

i can cheer up...who ever voted on masako and just abridged the entire tsunade arc in one episode

Commentator: Yes I'm afraid that we'll only be able to abridged the entire tsunade arc in two chapters.

Sammy: Our third and final review is from Master Hut:

hahahaha! i love it the new chapter! and commentator i always did picture to be on a throne and be all high and mighty. heh well can't wait for the next installment!

Commentator: Neither could I! So here it is, 'Long Time No See, Pervy Sage! (Wait, they've met him before?)'!

* * *

Kakashi: Hey Naruto, I've got you a trainer for the Chuunin exams finals.

Naruto: What? Why can't you train me?

Kakashi: Sorry Naruto, but I've got to focus on Sasuke.

Naruto: Well who is it? AAAAAAAAH! IT'S EBISU! I'm not gonna let myself be trained by a villain of the week that I beat in the second episode!

Ebisu: You may have caught me off with that shameful display, but I assure you that I am a great Jounin and teacher.

Naruto: Wait. You were defeated by my attack because you were overwhelmed by naked women? I thought you were overwhelmed because you were torn between the fact that they looked like beautiful women when in fact they were twelve year old boys?

Ebisu: Naruto, contrary to Liberal American philosophy, not every male gawks at naked women or has an uncontrollable desire for sex every second from the moment of puberty!

Naruto: …Are you gay?

Ebisu: WHAT NO! I just have dignity, that's all!

Naruto: You're gay, aren't you? It's all right, it's nothing to be ashamed of-

Ebisu: I'M NOT GAY!

Naruto: Okay, okay, you're not gay! (Closeted homosexual). Well anyway, I'm not going to let myself be taught by you!

Ebisu: What if I let you run away from me and if I find the right one out of all the clones you create then you have to accept my tutorship?

Naruto: Okay!

Ebisu: (Hah. Little does that according to the manga, he becomes my pupil, making this bet completely pointless. MWAHAHAHAAAAAAA!)

* * *

Commentator: And so, Naruto fails to win the bet, and has to accept Ebisu's teaching. Fortunately though, he's knocked out by a mysterious frog sage. Oh sorry, I meant toad. Cos apparently toad is English for frog, which is Japanese.

* * *

Naruto: Hey! You knocked out my trainer!

Jiraiya: Sorry, young Nine-Tails pokemon, but he attacked me while I was gawking at those naked women!

Naruto: God, what a pervert!

Commentator: Erm, isn't this behaviour, let alone the word 'pervert', kind of inappropriate for a kids' show?

Professor: Well sir, the smaller divide between adult and children entertainment has been pointed out in Japanese entertainment-

Commentator: No, I meant inappropriate for a show dubbed for American kids.

Professor: Oh! Well, probably.

Naruto: Hey, you look awfully familiar.

Jiraiya: Ah, (Fumbling under his gown) you probably recognise me as the author of the best selling novel, (Takes a book out) 'Make Out Paradise'!

(Dramatic music)

Naruto: No, that isn't it. Hey wait, now I recognise you! You were in Yu-Gi-Oh!

Jiraiya: Ah yes! (Fumbling under his gown) I'm surprised you remember me from my one off performance! (Takes out a Yu-Gi-Oh DVD) I played the ninja who kidnapped Mei Valentine after her duel with Jean Claude Magnum! Note the similarities.

Naruto: Well anyway, fancy training me? Since you did knock out my trainer after all.

Jiraiya: Sorry, kid, but your voice is way too annoying. Training you would be probably too irritating.

Naruto: Hey, it grows on you! After about fifty episodes, but it grows on you still!

Jiraiya: All right then, Naruto. I'll train you, if you do one thing for me.

Naruto: What's that?

Jiraiya: Find me what I most desire.

Naruto: And what's that?

Jiraiya: Oh I think you know what it is. (Makes hand gestures) Juicy and well rounded.

(The Commentator and the Professor stare)

Commentator: Okay, are we by any chance watching an uncensored version of Naruto meant for adults or something? You know, like what they did for 'Yu-Gi-Oh'?

Professor: Nno, I think this is the Cartoon Network version.

Commentator: Then how the heck did this get pass the censors? This sort of thing would have never happened if 4kids dubbed this show.

Professor: SIR, DON'T SUGGEST ANYTHING SO FRIGHTENING EVER AGAIN! If 4kids dubbed this show, Zabuza and Haku would have been fine and redeemed, their burial scene would have been omitted and instead of dying the jutsu the Fourth Hokage used to seal the mutant Nine-Tails would have sent him to another dimension for all eternity! Like the Shadow Realm, except it's called the 'dark realm' or something.

Sammy: Another dimension? THAT SOUNDS REALLY COOL!

(The Commentator and Professor stare at Sammy. Then they kick him in the wall.)

Naruto: Hey wait a minute! How did you know my name?

Jiraiya: ERRRRRRR, I'm sure you mentioned it to me!

Naruto: ..No, I didn't.

Jiraiya: Errrrrrr, I was breaking the fourth wall?

Naruto: Oh. Fair enough.

Jiraiya: (Wipes foreheard) (Phew! Covered that up pretty well!)

(Naruto Transforms into a woman)

Jiraiya: BWAH! IT's so- BEAUTIFUL! I THINK I'M IN LOVE!

(The Commentator and Professor stare yet again)

Commentator: Okay. This is just wrong.

* * *

Commentator: And so, Jiraiya accepts Naruto as his pupil. While teaching him how to walk on water, he realises that Naruto is in fact the Nine-Tails jinchurriki.

Professor: For someone who realises that Naruto is the Nine-Tails jinchuuriki, he doesn't looked particularly shocked. It's almost as if he already knew beforehand that he was the host. Do you think anyone picked up on that?

Commentator: Unlikely. Ahem, anyway, after teaching him how to walk on water, Jiraiya attempts to get Naruto to draw out his Nine-Tails chakra, which eventually leads to him summoning a giant frog.

* * *

Naruto: HOORAY! I summoned you, so you have to do what I say!

Gamabunki: Bullfrog!

Naruto: There's no need for that kind of language.

Gamabnuki: What do you think I am, a pokemon who will follow every single whim of the human?

Naruto: Um, yes?

* * *

Commentator: And so, Naruto spends an episode proving his worth to Gamabunki, before passing out from exhaustion. How many times have Naruto been knocked unconscious at this point?

No. Of Times Naruto Has Been Knocked Unconscious: Seven.

Commentator: Thanks, !

No. Of Times Naruto Has Been Knocked Unconscious: No Problem.

* * *

Shikamaru: I'm seeing a guy I'm not even friends with while playing chess all by myself.

* * *

Plot: OH MY GOD GAARA HAS ENTERED TO KILL LEE oh wait it's just Sakura. OH NO SAKURA'S FORGOTTEN SOMETHING AND GOING BACK TO LEE'S ROOM WHERE GAARA IS oh wait it's Naruto's room she's going to. OH NO NARUTO AND SHIKAMARU ARE TEASING CHOUJI WITH A BASKET OF FRUIT oh wait it's just Ino getting Chouji some food!

Commentator: Wow, this episode has more plot twists than an entire season of Lost!

Professor: A third sign that J.J. Abrams writes for the Naruto.

Commentator: Ahem, I said more than, not equal to. Plus that's kind of an unfair statement. It isn't like J.J Abrams is involved in the day to day running of Lost.

Sammy: HE ISN'T? But I thought he was the sole creator, head writer and showrunner of the show!

Commentator: J.J. Abrams' roles in the things he creates tends to be exaggerated. He may have CO-CREATED Lost, directed a couple of episodes, established the mythos with Damon Lindelof and main plot points six seasons long, and is an executive producer for the show, but that's about it.

* * *

Naruto: Me and Shikamaru have come to Lee's room for no reason!

* * *

Commentator: Meanwhile elsewhere, the Third ponders over the situation with Orochimaru.

* * *

Third: Sigh, what would the Fourth do in my situation?

Anko: Hold on! That guy is the Fourth?

Third: Er, yeah. What' the issue?

Anko: There's a kid in the Chuunin Exams who looks just like him!

DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!

Anko: What was that?

Third: Er, I'm sure it was nothing! I mean just because Guy and Lee look alike it doesn't mean they're father and son!

Anko: Hey, you don't think-

Third: NO!

* * *

Commentator: Meanwhile, as the finals approach, Naruto strikes up a conversation with Sakura, only to realise that he needs to get to the finals.

* * *

Naruto: Oh no! I'm gonna be late for the finals! Oh no! I'm not moving any further! Damn you, traditionally styled anime!

* * *

Commentator: As Naruto rushes to the finals, Konohamaru offers him a short cut.

* * *

Naruto: Hmm. Well, even though this kid is my self-proclaimed rival, I guess I can trust him!

* * *

Naruto: (Running away from a heard of bulls) I GUESSED WRONG! I know! I'll just create a bunch of clones to lead the bulls away from me! Okay, now you lot, lead the bulls away from me!

Naruto clone 1: Pff, yeah right!

Naruto clone 2: What makes you think we'll do that?

Naruto clone 3: Would you do the same for us?

Naruto: Errrr, yeah , sure I would!

Naruto Clone 4: Pfft, yeah right!

Naruto: (Damnit. I forgot that the shadow clone jutsu creates exact copies of me!)

* * *

Commentator: Will Naruto make it for the finals? Find out next time for the chuunin finals tournament!

* * *

Commentator: So Sam! How well has Anonymius done so far?

Sammy: Well Boss, Vegeta6986 and MasakoX abridged five episodes, but Anonymius abridged nine, and he's slightly ahead by two and a bit instalments!

Commentator: (Yes, but not enough. He has to be ahead by three in order for the Professor to win the bet. And as the new writer for Anonymius Productions, I'll make sure that he'll NEVER win the bet. MWAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!)

Professor: Next chapter folks will be a feature lengthed one that will cover the entire finals tournament.

Commentator: Like Hell it will!

Professor: Nyee?

Commentator: Face it Joey, you're a terrible duelist-I mean, like I'm gonna let this abridgement be another installment shorter than Vegeta and Masako's! Then I wouldn't be able to win the bet!

Professor: But-but Sir! Anonymius planned it like this months ago!

Commmentator: Yes well he's currently occupied now, isn't he?

Professor: (That's it. He has to be stopped at least before the next Naruto chapter, otherwise the abridgement is doomed)

Commentator: Prof you know that I can read in brackets, don't you?

Professor: -Not until now, Sir. (**AND ANONYMIUS DOESN'T OWN NARUTO OR ANYTHING RELATED-**)

Commentator: Professor, stop disclaiming things that don't need to be disclaimed!

Professor: Sorry, Sir!


	7. The Chuunin Finals Tournament

**I do not own 'Naruto' or anything related.**

* * *

Kisame: Hey Itachi, what are you doing?

Itachi: Meh, just flicking through some channels. Hey, the Chuunin Finals are on!

Commentator: _You're watching the 'Chuunin Finals Tournament'! I am your host, the Commentator, and these are my assistants, the Professor and Sammy T. Slug! We will be commentating on this marathon of battles!_

Itachi: Why are the Chuunin Finals being hosted by a canary?

Commentator: _Who will be made chuunins out of these lucky nine finalists! Wait, I only see six. Oh I'm getting a message that one of our contestants met an untimely demise yesterday. CSI say that it looks like he drowned in a sandstorm, which is odd since there aren't any sandstorms in Konoha. However I haven't got any news on two of our other missing finalists, both of whom hail from the hidden village of Konoha, where the finals are being hosted. They are Sasuke Uchiha, the last of the elite Uchiha clan, and Naruto Uzumaki, the Nine-Tails jin- and now I'm getting a message to shut the hell up right away. How-rude._

Itachi: Hey! My little brother is on this show! GO, BRO!

Kisame: Do you still stay in touch with him?

Itachi: Eh, we sort of fell out after I killed his parents and everyone he loved. I still send him a postcard every holiday though!

Kisame: I guess that's the best you can do.

Naruto: _WAAH!_

Commentator: _Oh wait, one of o_ur finalists has finally burst in! Literally! That just leaves Sasuke! And I'm getting a message that the finals will proceed without him! So, our first match is between Neiji Hyuuga and Naruto Uzumaki! Before we begin let's take a look at our-Wait, what? What just happened to Naruto's fox whiskers?

Professor: What do you mean?

Commentator: They just disappeared!

Professor: No they haven't, they're right there.

Commentator: But- but they disappeared a second ago! Well anyway, let's take a look at our contestants! Neiji is a member of the elite Hyuuga clan, bearers of the Byakugan, a kekkei genkai that is a lot like the Sharingan held by the Uchihas! Its numerous powers include being able to see a person's chakra circulatory system and see things at all angles! He is also the number one rookie of his year group! We interviewed Neiji earlier today.

* * *

Commentator: So Neiji, looking forward to the Chuunin exams?

Neiji: Meh.

Commentator: You don't seem that enthusiastic.

Neiji: What will happen will happen. Although I see myself winning the finals.

Commentator: What do you think about your opponents?

Neiji: They're all losers apart from Gaara and Sasuke. Although I don't see myself losing against someone younger than me, Gaara may be a challenge.

Commentator: So, what do you think about you upcoming opponent, Naruto Uzumaki?

Neiji: Didn't I already say? He's a dropout, there's no need to know anything else?

Commentator: -A dropout? A dropout from what?

Neiji: Sorry. I believe the American equivalent is 'loser'.

Commentator: -And what makes you come to that assumption? I mean he did defeat an elite ninja and make it to the finals.

Neiji: Meh, I consider anyone without a kekkei genkai or important relatives a loser.

Commentator: -That's, kinda prejudicial, isn't it? Also I taki it you know his relatives then, do you?

Neiji: No, but I guess they're not someone important. It's not like he's the son of a-

* * *

Commentator: And that's when I cut the interview short. I HATE irony lines with a vengeance.

DING DING DING DING DING!

Commentator: Here's a tip for all you comedian wannabes. AVOID irony lines like the plague! They are extremely lame and utterly annoying. Now then, let's go on to our second contestant! Naruto Uzumaki happens to be the –

Headphone: WHICH BIT OF SHUT UP DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

Commentator: All right, all right, you don't have to get in such a two and eight over it! So anyway- yeah, not really anything to mention here that won't be a twist later. Oh wait! I've got one! His signature move is the Shadow Clone Jutsu, also known as the Kage Bushin No Jutsu to those who prefer the Japanese version, which lets him create multiple clones of himself and overwhelm his opponent with sheer number! This is considered a jounin level jutsu. We interviewed Naruto earlier today.

* * *

Commentator: So Naruto, looking forward to the Chuunin Finals?

Naruto: You bet!

Commentator: Think you will win?

Naruto: You bet!

Commentator: You know there seems to be some pretty tough contestants in the finals. Neiji, Temari, Sasuke, Gaara, you really think that you can beat them all?

Naruto: I don't think it! I BELIEVE it!

Commentator: …(I hate you so much.) So Naruto, what are you goals?

Naruto: Well Com, I plan to one day be the Hokage!

Commentator: The Hokage, huh? That's like the head ninja of your village, right?

Naruto: Er, Yeah.

Commentator: So, like the greatest of all ninjas, right?

Naruto: Well, in Konoha, yeah.

Commentator: So you could say that the Hokage is like the ninja MASTER or the KING OF THE ninjaS, couldn't you?

Naruto: -What are you getting at?

Commentator: Oh, nothing, nothing.

* * *

Commentator: The Neiji/Naruto match has begun! And they're doing…ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Hey you two! Why don't you start fighting already? This isn't a staring contest you know!

Naruto: Sorry, but the longer we remain still, the less chance there is of an upcoming filler episode.

Spectators: TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED! YEAH, WE DON'T MIND HOW LONG YOU STAND STILL!

Commentator: And Naruto finally does something! Probably not the best move but hey, at least it's something!

No. Of Times Naruto Has Been Knocked Unconscious: Eight.

Commentator: And Naruto gets up! Apparently he was just testing to see how tough Neiji was. Personally I think he's just covering up his suckiness. And Naruto uses Shadow Clone Jutsu! The clones attack! It's the attack of the clones all over again! And for some reason I'm hearing the music from Neo's fight with the many Smith clones. Neiji summersaults over two of them! Two other clones go in! Neiji defends himself! Another Naruto goes in for the kill! He's about to kick him! AND HE CONNECTS! AND SAKURA GOES WILD! Let's replay that moment! Oh. Wait, he missed. Two clones charge in, Neiji leaps and spins in the air! And he kicks them with a sickening crack! One of the clones has poofed! Two other clones go in for the kill! Neiji blocks, And he pushes them away! And they poof! Neiji dispatches the remaining clone! Naruto creates more clones! The Clones charge in! Now all the clones are just standing there, whereas the original fights Neiji one on one! And now I'm hearing the music from Neo's final fight with Smith.

Neiji: It ends today!

Naruto: I know it does, I have foreseen it, which is why the others are just going to stand and watch.

Commentator: The clones attack! Neiji defends himself! And OW! He seems to have got Naruto's vital chakra points! Looks like this is it for him! Wow. Other shonen heroes tend to get past the first stage- NO WAIT, IT WAS JUST A DECOY! THE REAL NARUTO CHARGES IN! Neiji defends himself with some kind of chakra force field, and pushes Naruto and another clone away! Naruto creates more clones, and they surrounded Neiji! They charge in! Neiji spins and sends them flying! He he, it looks like Naruto and his clones are blasting off again! And poof they go!

No. Of Times Naruto Has Been Unconscious: Nine.

Commentator: I've just realised that this battle's rather repetitive. Naruto creates clones, they attack, Neiji sends them flying. Hold on. (Takes out manga) Hey! Naruto throwing kunai and charging at Neiji was filler! Well rock me Amadeus, that's the biggest plot twist so far in the history of 'Naruto'! I say Professor, Naruto seemed slightly more intelligent in the original manga. Aha! I thought so! The battle isn't nearly as repetitive! Half of it is filler! Now everything's gone black and Naruto and Neiji are in some kind of green glowing yin yang symbol. And Neiji takes out Naruto's chakra points! Looks like this is it for Naruto, but it looks like he isn't giving up!

Naruto: What is your problem?

Neiji: Very well. I shall tell you my sorrowful ten minute tale.

Spectators: A FLASHBACK? WE DIDN'T COME HERE FOR THIS!

Neiji: It's either that or a filler episode.

Spectators: …YOU WERE SAYING?

Commentator: Everything flashbacks to when Neiji was a child and when the heir of the next head family in the hyuuga clan turns three. Neiji shows some attraction towards Hinata, which is kinda gross since they're both cousins. We later see Hinata training with her father and Neiji and his father looking on, before Hinata's father thinks his brother is about to attack his daughter and causes him pain with a jutsu.

Neiji: You see, those who are not part of the head family are branded with a mark that makes them slaves.

Commentator: Neiji takes off his band to reveal- AN X ON HIS FOREHEAD! …WAIT A MINUTE! AN X? BUT THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE JAPANESE VERSION!

Professor: What's your point?

Commentator: Vegeta 3986 and MasakoX said it was a swastika in the original!

Professor: Sir, no, it's an X.

Commentator: But Vegeta 3986 said-

Professor: Sir. It's an X.

Commetnator: Well there you have it, folks! Once again, instead of focusing on the flaws of a series, Vegeta 3986 and MasakoX make them up!

Professor: What are you talking about, Sir?

Commentator: Let's go through the list, shall we? In the first episode, they make fun of the fourth Hokage for not doing the 'sensible thing' and killing the fox, when it was clear that if he could have kill the fox then he would have done so. Later Mizuki was made fun of for getting Naruto to get the scroll when he could have gotten it himself, when it was perfectly explained that the reason he got Naruto to steal the scroll was to get all the blame. Later a few of the episodes in the 'Land of Waves' Arc were passed off as filler, but they were in fact canon, and now you've got them claiming that in the original Japanese it was a swastika, when in fact it was an x all along!

Sammy: Actually Boss it's much more likely that they were referring to the manga, where it was a swastika. See?

Commentator: Oh yes, I see! That's what they must have been talking about! Well anyway, it appears that during a peace negotiation between the Leaf and Cloud villages someone tried to kidnap a member of the Hyuuga clan but got killed. The Cloud village demanded retribution but instead of Hinata's father his brother got sacrificed instead.

* * *

Neiji: Many wish to be Hokage, but only a few can become Hokage. Hard work does nothing.

Naruto: Well actually some people would say that environmental conditions are just as important as genetic-

Neiji: No they're not. The victor of this match was certain before either of us entered the arena.

Naruto: Yeah, you're right.

Neiji: I'm-what? I am?

Naruto: Well yeah, but why are you so certain it's you? I'm the main character for crying out loud, that practically assures me victory!

Neiji: Pfft, so were Ash Ketchum and Goku, and how many tournaments did they win?

Naruto: They both got through the first rounds! And I'll do same! I'll prove it! (Prepares to extract his kyuubi chakra)

Neiji: No you can't.

Naruto: Yes I can.

Neiji: No you can't.

Naruto: Yes I can.

Neiji: No you can't.

Naruto: Yes I-

Commentator: OH WILL YOU JUST EXTRACT YOUR KYUUBI CHAKRA ALREADY?

Naruto: Ahem, the longer, the less chance of filler.

Commentator: Oh come on! The fillers aren't THAT bad!

Spectators: INFIDEL! (Throws things at him)

Commentators: Well they're not! Unless of course you get tons of never ending filler rather than just the couple of arcs.

Spectators: …HERETIC! (Continue to throw things at him)

Professor: You should consider that a compliment, Sir. Heretics are held with higher regard than infidels.

Commentator: That may be so but they're treated the same. Wait, something's happening below! Naruto has _released some hidden power!_

Itachi: Wait a minute! That chakra…gasp! THAT CHILD IS THE NINE-TAILS JINCHURIKI! THE NINE-TAILS JINCHURIKI IS ALIVE!

Kisame: What, it wasn't obvious from his fox whiskers?

Itachi: -What fox whiskers?

Kisame: And whoever said he was dead?

Itachi: Orochimaru did.

Kisame: Are you sure it wasn't a dubbing error?

Itachi: Nope, it was definitely in the manga.

Commentator: _Naruto disappears_! Naruto throws shurikens! Neiji deflects! Neiji throws shurikens! Naruto dodges! Naruto throws a punch! Neiji dodges! They both take out their kunai knifes and throw them! The two charge! They grab their knives and clash! They land, and charge again! Naruto charges! Their blades clash! I can't see anything, the energy is too bright!

(The energy clears, with Neiji standing and Naruto unconscious)

No. Of Times Naruto Has Been Unconscious: Ten.

Commentator: Well that was anti-climatic. Wait! There's some rumbling from the earth! Naruto bursts through and punches Neiji! Neiji is unconscious! I repeat! Neiji is unconscious! And Naruto is the winner! Let's watch that again! AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!

Professor: It's ironic, really. The thing that otracised him from the rest of the village is what has gained their respect right now.

(Awkward, guilty silence fills the stadium.)

Commentator: Let's go back stage to ask Neiji how he feels losing!

* * *

Hinata's Father: Neiji, there's something you must know. I wanted to give myself, but my brother, your father, wouldn't have it, wanting free will.

Neiji: Oh Uncle!

Hinata's Father: Oh Nephew!

Professor: Er, should we really be filming this?

* * *

Commentator: Right then, it's time for the next match! It's Sasuke Uchiha versus Gaara of the Desert! And I'm getting a message that since Sasuke isn't here yet, we're skipping to the next fight, Shino Aburame versus Kankuro! Let's take a look at our contestants! Shino is a ninja from Konoha whose clan specialise in using insects. They burrow and live within the clan members, and in return, they do the ninja's bidding. Kinda like the relationship between a pokemon and a pokemon trainer except it isn't much like slave labour. Now let's look at our second contestant! Konkuro hails from the Sand village, and his fighting style specialises in using puppets! Never before have I seen a fighting style that's as sinister as it is lame!

Professor: Perhaps it's a way to appeal to the young audience?

Commentator: We interviewed our contestants earlier today!

* * *

Commentator: So Shino, tell me about yourself!

Crickets: CHIRP, CHIRP, CHIRP.

Commentator: O-kay…looking forward to the finals?

Crickets: CHIRP, CHIRP, CHIRP.

Commentator: Think you'll win?

Crickets: CHIRP, CHIRP, CHIRP.

Commentator: What are your dreams?

Crickets: CHIRP, CHIRP, CHIRP.

Commentator: OH COME ON, SHINO, GIVE ME SOMETHING!

Shino: Sorry. My crickets will answer any question.

* * *

Commentator: And here is Kankuro's!

* * *

Commentator: So Kankuro, looking forward to the chuunin finals?

Kankuro: Meh.

Commentator: You don't seem that enthusiastic.

Kankuro: Well, I assure you, it's not because my village-

* * *

Commentator: And that's when I cut him off before he could make any irony line. AND THE MATCH BEGINS! And now I'm hearing that Kankuro gives up. And the crowd goes wild! Having basically two matches robbed from them, if one more gives up, then we could get a riot on our hands! So our next contestants are Temari and Shikamaru! Temari is the sister of Kankuro, and her speciality is wind. Watch out for that fan, it'll blow you away! Man I feel like the commentator in that old 'Hurricanes' cartoon. Does anyone remember that? It was perhaps the only time ever that-

Professor: AHEM!

Commentator: Oh right, I'm drifting off topic here. We interviewed Temari earlier!

* * *

Commentator: So Temari, looking forward to the finals?

Temari: Meh.

Commentator: You don't seem that enthusiastic. I've interviewed like five people now and the only one who seems glad to be at this stage is Naruto Uzumaki!

Temari: Well, I assure you Mr Commentator, my lack of enthusiasm has nothing to do with a secret-

Commentator: OH FOR THE LOVE OF MILES, WILL YOU LOT STOP IT WITH THE IRONY LINES!

Temari: -I'm not trying to be ironic-

Commentator: IF IT'S ONE THING I HATE MORE THAN LAME CATCHPHRASES, IT'S IRONY LINES! Check out 'Philosopher's Stone With A Difference' where I express my views on irony lines! I swear the next person who tries to be ironic I will zap!

* * *

Commentator: Now let's take a look at Shikamaru! Shikamaru is a ninja who's laziness is only matched by his intellect. He is a genius at Shougi, and his speciality is the Shadow Immitation Jutsu, where his shadow extends itself and merges with his opponent's shadow, enabling him to control their every move. We interviewed him earlier today!

* * *

Commentator: So Shikamaru, feeling excited about the finals?

Shikamaru: Groan, interviewing is such a drag.

* * *

Commentator: Shikamaru appears reluctant at fighting! Temari has had enough and charges. Wow, the crowd appear tolerant when the fighters are just standing around yet when this guy doesn't do anything Temari has had enough? SHE STRIKES! However, Shikamaru has dodged the blow, and is standing on a pair of kunais. Temari strikes again! Shikamaru has disappeared. This fight has special importance to Anonymius. This was actually the first episode that he watched, although at the time he was convinced that Temari was good whereas Shikamaru was bad. Shikamaru is hiding within the trees, but seems more concerned with looking at the clouds than fighting. Shikamaru comes out from behind the tree! Temari waves her fan, cutting the tree let leaving no mark on everything. Huh. That's a little weird. And this isn't even the syndication version! Shikarmaru sends his shadow. Temari sumersaults backwards and but the shadow is too quick for her! And- it stops. Temari marks the ground. Shikamaru bends, closes his eyes, and puts his hands together. I have no idea what he's doing! He stops, and takes out a couple of kunai, Temari waves her fan again, Shikamaru runs away, Temari waves her fan again, he throws the knife! Temari side steps! Shikamaru throws another knife! She deflects it with her fan! Shikamaru send his shadow again, and it crosses the line! But then stops. But wait, what's this? It seems that Shikamaru has made a balloon out of his shirt and a kunai, creating a further shadow and lengthening his range! Temari backs away, the balloon falls, and Shikamaru's shadow shrinks away! Temari smashes the fan into the ground as a defence, she prepares to make a replication, but oh wait, what's this? Shikamaru's shadow has travelled up the hole that Naruto made earlier, and has caught Temari! Apparently this was his plan all along! Shikamaru makes Temari walk towards him, one punch can finish her AND- he gives up. Let's watch it again! Wow. Talk about an anti-climax. Let's interview Shikamaru to see how he feels losing!

* * *

Commentator: So Shikamaru, how does it feel losing in the tournament?

Shikamaru: Groan, interviewing is such a drag.

* * *

Commentator: All right, folks we've now gone through all of our contestants apart from Gaara and Sasuke, who still hasn't appeared. I'm getting a message that we're gonna wait for him for five minutes, and if he still isn't here, he forfeits. In the mean time let's cut to a commercial!

* * *

FIVE MINUTES LATER…

* * *

Commentator: OH MY GOD, has it really been five minutes? It feels more like twenty!

Professor: That's probably because time manga based anime passes much slower compared to real time.

Commentator: Huh. So that's why it takes them forever to do things! Well I'm bored of this, let's spy on some people!

Professor: You have cameras placed all over the stadium?

Commentator: Hey, it's Gaara! And he's talking to some people!

* * *

Ninja 1: OMG! You're Gaara of the Funk!

Gaara: No. You've got the wrong parody of Gaara.

Ninja 2: Hey, do the "BOOMCHBOOMCHBOOMCHBOOMCH GAARA OF THE FUNK!" Where everything changes colour!

Gaara: Shut up.

Ninja 1: You know I love the DDR battles you have!

Gaara: Shut up!

Ninja 2: Hey, how come you didn't have a DDR battle with Sasuke or Naruto-?

Gaara: DIE!

Ninjas: GAK!

Naruto: So then I said 'believe-' (Naruto and Shikamaru stare at something) it.

* * *

Commentator: At last here it is, folks! The battle of the emos!

(Sammy imagines a pair of emus pecking at each other)

Commentator: EMOS, NOT EMUS! And now we're having a flashback!

* * *

Gaara: You have the same eyes as me. Emo eyes.

* * *

Commentator: While they're flashbacking let's take a look at our contestants. Sasuke Uchiha is the last of the elite Uchiha clan, known for their aptitude to fire jutsu and their Sharingan, a kekkei genkai with a wide range of abilities such as seeing through moves and copying them. Sasuke is known as the number one rookie of his year group. When we interviewed him earlier, this is what he had to say.

* * *

Commentator: So Sasuke, looking forward to the finals?

Sasuke: Meh.

Commentator: What a surprise. So what do you think of your opponents?

Sasuke: They're all very challenging in their own way, especially Gaara, Neiji and Naruto.

Commentator: What are your goals?

Sasuke: My dream is to kill my brother and revive my clan.

* * *

Itachi: Oh my God, I can't believe that he is still mad over that incident! It was five years ago!

* * *

Commentator: Kill your brother and revive your clan, eh? How's that going for ya?

Sasuke: Not particularly well, to be honest.

Commentator: Of course I'd think that the latter would be easy to accomplish. I hear you have quite alot of admirers, any special (Nudge nudge) friend among them?

Sasuke: Not really.

Commentator: I hear that there's a girl on your team. How do you feel about her?

Sasuke: She's a friend, nothing more.

Commentator: Aha. You're not really into girls, I take it?

Sasuke: Wha?

Commentator: You're more of a dude guy, then?

Sasuke: WHAT NO! I'M NOT GAY!

Commentator: It's all right, Sasuke, no one here's judging you.

Sasuke: I'M NOT GAY! I'm just not that interested in girls, that's all!

Commentator: Right, you're more into guys, then.

Sasuke: NO!

Commentator: Mr Uchiha, is it true that your fellow teammate Naruto Uzumaki is your secret lover?

Sasuke: WHAT? NO! Who said that?

Commentator: Girls, mostly. So then do you deny then, Mr Uchiha, that you and the said Naruto Uzumaki kissed on your first day as ninjas?

Sasuke: Well, about that-

Commentator: DO YOU DENY IT, YES OR NO, MR UCHIHA?

Sasuke: Well yes it happened, but-

Commentator: THERE YOU HAVE IT, FOLKS! UNDENIABLE PROOF! SASUKE UCHIHA HAS JUST ADMITTED TO BE IN A HOMOSEXUAL AFFAIR WITH FELLOW TEAMMATE NARUTO UZUMAKI!

Sasuke: It wasn't like that at all-!

Commentator: HOW WILL HIS FANBASE FEEL ABOUT THIS REVELATION? UTTER DESPAIR, OR UTTER DELIGHT? Perhaps a bit of both.

Sasuke: This interview is over!

Commentator: AND NOW HE'S RUNNING AWAY, FURTHER PROOF THAT HE IS IN LOVE WITH NARUTO UZUMAKI!

* * *

Commentator: We later interviewed Gaara.

* * *

Commentator: So Gaara, looking forward to the finals?

Gaara: ...

Commentator: Any comments about your opponents?

Gaara: ...

Commentator: What are your goals?

Gaara: ...

Commentator: Sorry for doing this, but you give me no choice! BOOMCHBOOMCHBOOMCHBOOM GAARA OF THE-

Gaara: DIE!

* * *

Naruto: Kakashi! You can't let Sasuke fight Gaara! He's a psychopath!

Kakashi: What, you've only just realised this?

Commentator: AND THEY'RE OFF! Gaara's sand comes out of his gourd, and he's suddenly having a headache! He appears to be talking to his mother. He has another migrain and the sand collapses! Then it rises, Sasuke throws some shurikens! Gaara blocks! And he has created a sand clone! Sasuke charges, the sand attacks! Sasuke dodges by leaping into the air! Sasuke throws more shurikens, and the sand clone deflects them! Sasuke kicks, and deprives the sand clone of his hands! A lot of dirty jokes can be made from that action!

Sammy: Why Boss? Sand isn't THAT dirty!

(The Commentator groans)

Sammy: Hey Boss! Aren't you going to make fun of Gaara for using nothing but sand?

Coometnator: -Why would I do something like that? Sasukes hits the clone in the throat, but the sand builds up around his wrist! He hits the clone in the face, and it disperses! He charges at Gaara! Gaara prepares to defend himself, but Sasuke disappears and punches Gaara! Apparently he can move faster than the speed of light, which should be utterly impossible for a human being and even if he could, a blackhole should have appeared right about now!

Sammy: A blackhole? RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! (Leaps away)

Commentator: AND THE PUNCH SENDS HIM LITERALLY FLYING INTO THE GROUND! Sasuke beckons him to come. Sasuke advances! Gaara builds up his sand to block, but Sasuke comes behind him and Gaara sends his sand! Sasuke dodges! AND HE KICKS GAARA! Gaara gets up! Sasuke charges again! Gaara's sand surrounds him! Sasuke spins around him! He dodges the sand and kicks Gaara! Then grabs him by the shirt and jabs him with his knee! Gaara makes a seal, the sand forms a sphere around him! Sasuke advances! He tries to punch the sphere but it threatens to impale him with spikes! Sasuke is bleeding! From cheek and hand! He jumps away! The spikes go in the ball. Oh and Sasuke has his Sharingan on. When did that happen? And now I see he's bleeding from his leg! Sand is forming in the sky! Where the Hell did that come from? And it's formed an eye! I don't particularly understand the logic behind that. Sasuke wipes the blood from his cheek, Sasuke charges and throws some kunai! They fail to make a crack! He dodges the spikes, Sasuke attacks! Gaara blocks! You know, this battle seems to be just as repetitive as Naruto and Neiji's. Hold on-(Reads the manga) oh wait, my mistake it's all canon! Apart from this part. Sasuke runs up the wall! He's charging some sort of attack! His hand is crackling with lightning! Gaara builds his sand around his body as a shield! Sasuke runs down! He aims! HE BREAKS THROUGH! Hey, I wonder what's happening within the sphere? Let's use my x-ray scope! It looks like Gaara is getting upset because Sasuke is touching him. Sasuke's hand is stuck in the sphere! But he breaks free! Wait, what's this? Some kind of monstrous hand has gotten hold of Sasuke! What is that thing? Wait, it looks kinda familiar… The hand, which is starting to look like a tail-is it in fact a tail?- retracts into the sphere. Something is moving within the sphere. And we see an eye! The sphere bursts! Oh sure, NOW they show the blood! And now for some reason it's raining feathers, and- everyone's asleep? What's going on? Wait people, I see an explosion! The third Hokage has been captured! I repeat, the Third Hokage has been captured! And now I'm getting a message that-WHAT?

Professor: What?

Commentator: The Chuunin Finals-HAVE BEEN CANCELLED! Ladies and gentlemen, I am outraged! This is the worst cancellation since 'Angel'! I haven't been this mad since they defeated the Digimon Emperor!

* * *

Digimon Emperor: NOOOOOOOOOOO! (Transforms back into Ken)

Professor: OH MY GOD! THEY CONVERTED KENNY!

Commentator: YOU BASTARDS!

* * *

Professor: -Seriously? That's the mad you've been since today?

Commentator: Meh, I've been wanting to fit that in somewhere. Wow. You know, we intended there to be three more fights. So stay tune for some 'Naruto' filler!

(Itachi throws the remote at the screen, smashing it)

Itachi: What a total rippoff! Here I am expecting to watch the greatest event in ninja history, and they cancel it before the end of the first round! Well, it wasn't a total loss. We now know the existence of a host. Come, Kisame. We have a a Nine-Tails to catch.

_Gotta catch them all!_

_Gotta catch them all!_

_POKEMON!_

* * *

**P.S. I do not own the lyrics of the Pokemon opening or the Digimon Emperor either or anything related.**


	8. The Invasion of Konoha: Part One

**I do not own 'Naruto' or anything related.**

* * *

Sammy: Hey Prof! Where's the Boss?

Professor: He's currently undergoing a metamorphosis.

(Gestures to the giant egg on the throne)

Sammy: Say wha?

Professor: Well his term to remain in canary form is up, so he's just going through a metamorphosis to revert back into his true form.

(The egg starts to crack)

Professor: Oo it looks like it's starting to finish.

( A hand, another hand, a leg and another leg smash out of the shell. Then it explodes from electrical energy)

Commentator: I HAVE RETUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNED!

Sammy: Oh goodie! Er, where have you been?

(The Commentator knocks Sammy into a wall)

Sammy: Hooray! Everything's back to normal!

Commentator: Don't worry, guys. I'll never be too evil again! For now on, I'll just be me!

Professor: Er, could you perhaps be a little less evil than that?

Commentator: Nope. Now to celebrate my freedom from that canary form, let's read some reviews!

Professor: Righteo, Sir, here's today 's lot.

Commentator: Right then! Our first review is from Master Hut:

lolz narutos lines on his face kept dissapearing! and for some reason everytime the commentator annouces what happens in the fights i say ACTION REPLAY! in a deep voice but i guess thats just me being random. yeah...well great chapter! cant wait for the next installment of naruto abridged!

Commentator: Neither could we, Master Hut. Neither could we.

Professor: Our second review is from Jcogginsa:

goku did win a tournement.

Commentator: We're well aware of this fact. Our point was not that main characters in manga and anime never win tournaments, it was that being a main character doesn't necessarily assure you of victory. Unless you're Yugi Moto who is king of games and therefore losing would contradict his character, except that one time in 'Waking the Dragons' arc where the Pharoah did contradict character.

Sammy: Our third review is from Haruko Kurimasu:

WHOA! It's like hearing the commentary for a hockey game! The Commentator must've been really into it, because he didn't seem that bothered that his Review Special was cancelled!

Commentator: Ah yes, that. Well, originally, given that it was a special and we were commentating on the tournament rather than the episodes, Itachi and Kisame were supposed to respond to reviews instead. We had the idea of the reviews being accidentally sent to them rather than to us and that I'd be all huffed about getting no reviews apparently. Of course none of that matters since we didn't get reviews anyway. HAH! Another review special done under five hundred words without being interrupted by the Clock! Well there's me done ranting, so enjoy the next chapter, "The Invasion of Konoha, Part One"!

* * *

_Meanwhile, before the end of the Tournament, Sound and Sand ninja had gathered to perform a dastardly plot, and end up arguing._

Sound Ninja: Hey! At least we actually LOOK like ninjas!

Sand Ninja: Sniff! That hurt!

Sound Ninja: -I'm sorry, man, I didn't mean it-

Sand Ninja: That was completely uncalled for!

Sound Ninja: I know, man! I'm sorry!

* * *

Sound Ninja: Come. (Leaps into the air) We must fly!

Sound Ninja 2: Fly!

Sound Ninja 3: Fly!

Sound Ninja 4:Fly!

Sound Ninja 2: Hey, how come we're not falling?

Sound Ninja 3: Small world means low gravity, remember?

* * *

Kabuto: Now for no reason at all, I, Kabuto, who have somehow come across this ANBU uniform, will heal Hinata for no adequately explored reason, an action that completely contradicts my character.

Kiba: Hold the letter! You're Kabuto!

Kabuto: Ah. I really shouldn't speak my thoughts outloud.

* * *

Kabuto: HAH! They've been disabled, even though I didn't do anything to Akumaru, but has passed out anyway.

* * *

_Just before the invasion begins, Kabuto gives a few tips to the Sound_ _Ninja._

Kabuto: Now whatever you do, do NOT underestimate Naruto Uzumaki!

Sound Ninja: Because of the Nine Tails he carries?

Kabuto: Because every opponent who ever underestimated him ended up being defeated.

* * *

_When the Sound and Sand ninja attack, Kakashi finds that Sakura is the only one who's awake. Giving her a mission to track down Sasuke, he summons his ninja dog Pakin to help her._

Pakin: What? Whadda you want?

Sakura: Shouldn't I be more shocked that there's a talking dog?

_Later that day Sakura uses her powers to wake up Naruto (Who has been now unconscious for the tenth time), and discovers that Shikamaru is already awake._

Sakura: Come on! We have to help Sasuke!

Shikamaru: Here's an idea. Why don't you wake everyone up so we can all go?

Sakura: Er, because Ninjas work best in teams of four?

Shikamaru: -OH! Right! Heheh. That does make a lot of sense.

Naruto: Man. I thought you were supposed to be a strategic genius-

Shikamaru: SHUT UP!

* * *

Orochimaru: The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the genin, now I am the kage.

Third: Only the kage of snakes, Orochimaru.

Orochimaru: We'll see about that! Resurrection no Jutsu! You see, Sarutobi? I have the power to raise and command the dead!

Third: You can command the dead? (Groan) I should have expected this from a Michael Jackson look-alike.

Orochimaru: WAIT, WHAT?

Third: Oh you are, Voldetongue! You even like him have hit fifty yet you don't look it! Plus you both look e-

Orochimaru: DUDE!

Third: What?

Orochimaru: The man just recently died, show him some respect!

Third: Oh very well. At least I didn't make any slanderous paedophile jokes.

Orochimaru: True. Now watch as I randomly take off my face!

Third: GASP! It can't be! You're-you're-

Orochimaru: Yes.

Third: HULK HOGAN!

Orochimaru: Yes I'm Hulk Hogan WAIT WHAT NO, NO I'M NOT! Hold on. (Tears off face)

Third: Gasp! YOU'RE BEN AFFLICK, I never would have guessed!

Orochimaru: What that isn't right either! Look, stop me when I get to a girl.

Third: Right, you're there!

Orochimaru: Good.

Third: I mean, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU, mysterious girl who has the exact same powers, personality and memories of Voldetongue?

Orochimaru: Sorry, that was a bit random, wasn't it? It's me. Orochimaru. Bascially I've perfected an immortality jutsu where I take over other people's bodies.

Third: And out of all the bodies in the world, you chose a little girl's? Why?????? Why couldn't you have just split your soul like a normal villain?

Orochimaru: Duh, splitting your soul doesn't make you immortal! All it does is weaken your health and lessen your consciousness.

Third: Eh?

Orochimaru: Hello? The soul's your life force and your consciousness? You don't really think that all that happens when splitting it is lessen your conscience and turn you into a monster did you?

Third: Apparently. Well, on a different topic. I know how to defeat you.

Orochimaru: How is that?

Third: Behold! I have summoned: THE REAPER!

Orochimaru: Don't you mean the god of death?

Third: No, I mean the Reaper. Anyway it doesn't really make much of a difference, does it? I mean shinigami are basically Japanese Grim Reapers.

Orochimaru: I guess.

(The Reaper devours the First and Second Hokages)

Reaper: Mmm. First and Second Hokages. (Druels)

Third: This is the very jutsu that the Fourth used to seal the Nine-Tails.

Orochimaru: Okay, hold it, that just brings up so many questions I don't know where to start.

Third: Try me.

Orochimaru: Okay, first of all why didn't the Fourth seal the fox with him instead of in some apparent poor innocent bystander? And secondly ff you can seal people in shadow clones then why didn't he sacrifice a clone instead of himself?

Third: Okay, to answer your first question, I'm sure he had a good reason for sealing it in someone who was alive rather than himself who was fated to die. And to answer your second, maybe you need to sacrifice at least yourself to perform the jutsu? Well anyway, BE SEALED!

Orochimaru: Never!

* * *

_And so the Third and Orochimaru struggle. Meanwhile while searching for Sasuke, Pakin has said something to Sakura that has quite distressed her._

Sakura: I smell like a dog. (Turns into a spectre and floats away) I smell like a dog. I smell like a dog.

Naruto: (After her), HEY, SAKURA! IT'S 'YOU SHARE THE SAME SHAMPOO AS A DOG', NOT THAT YOU SMELL LIKE ONE!

* * *

_Meanwhile Sasuke battles Gaara._

Gaara: Now I think for no reason at all I shall have a flashback in order to explain my character. When I was growing up, much was expected of me. Already Vegeta4986 and MasakoX had produced their parody version of Gaara, so much was expected of me to be as unique and funny as possible. However, then idiots on Youtube created their own Shippuden abridged series and instead of coming up with their own takes on Gaara decided to shamelessly rip off on Vegeta's one instead. And so, everyone now expected me to be just as funky as Gaara of the Funk.

_Ninja 1: Hey Gaara of the Funk! Why doesn't everything change colour when someone says your name?_

_Ninja 2: Hey Gaara of The Funk! Do you have any tips on how to play DDR?_

_Ninja 3: Hey Gaara of The Funk! Could you teach me in the ways of the Funk?_

Gaara: Eventually all these confusions with another parody character drove me mad, and I swore that when I was popular enough, I would exact my revenge on all who made my life miserable! Oh yes and my uncle tried to kill me then he disappeared along with the ground he was laying on. I suspect aliens were behind it. Now then, DIE!

* * *

_Fortunately, however, Naruto and co. arrive on the scene!_

Naruto: Gamabunta, I choose you!

(Psyduck appears)

Psyduck: Psyyyy?

Naruto: What? Psyduck, what are you doing here?

Psyduck: Psyaiyai?

Naruto: I so did not summon you!

Temari: (Impressive. He summoned a character from a whole other anime!)

Gaara: Sandstorm no Jutsu!

(Blows Naruto and Psyduck away)

Psyduck: PSYAIYAIIIIIIIIIIII!

Sakura: Don't worry, guys, I'll defeat Gaara of the Funk-AH!

Gaara: After I kill this girl, I'm going to kill everyone in this world who mistook me for Gaara of the Funk. Then I'm going to kill everyone in the real world who expected everyone to have their own Gaara of the Funk. Then I'm going to kill the abridgers who made it okay to rip off Gaara of the Funk, and then, I'm going to kill Vegeta5986 and MasakoX for creating the character in the first place!

Naruto: Okay, that's it; you've just crossed the line! No one threatens Vegeta9639 and Masko-

Commentator: 3986! IT'S 3986!

Naruto: Oh how is anyone supposed to remember those numbers?

_Fuelled by rage, Naruto defeats Gaara._

Gaara: (Damn. I underestimated him, and ended up defeated)

Commentator: Yes, villains have a knack of doing that. He's like Columbo. You don't take him seriously, and by the time you do, it's too late.

Gaara: Well, I'm not gonna let this happen! SHUKAKU NO JUTSU!

Naruto: Wh-what is that?

Professor: It appears that Gaara has transformed himself into a giant raccoon dog made of sand.

Commentator: …..I thought I recognised that hand. That Gaara…HE'S THE HOST OF THE MUTANT SHUKAKU!

(DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUUUUM!)

Professor: -The what now?

Commentator: The Mutant Shukaku. The Nine Tails wasn't the only one I experimented on. I captured like nine of the strongest pokemon that weren't of legendary status and tested on them, hoping to create super soldiers. Unfortunately, due to the 'incident', they all mutated and ran amok.

Sammy: The Incident? You mean the time when some scientist on a lost island drilled into its core hoping to acquire its magnetic power then it all went horribly wrong and started to pull everything magnetic towards the place where he burst the pocket?

(The Commentator stares at Sammy. Then he whacks him with a baseball bat into the air)

Sammy: LOOKS LIKE SAMMY THE SLUG IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN! TWINKLE.

Professor: Sir, I've never even heard of a pokemon called Shukaku.

Commentator: Oh yes, it was an extremely rare ground slash rock type pokemon, the last of its kind, there's no chance of anyone finding it in the pokemon world now.

Professor: That seems kinda convenient.

Commentator: Hey it's not my fault that out of all the mythological creatures that Satoshi whathisname based his pokemon on he happened to leave out the animal whose popularity rivalled the fox!

Professor: Sir will you stop trying to make yourself the cause of everything?

Commentator: Sorry Prof, you know one of my earliest functions was to be the cause behind all wrongdoing!

Naruto: I don't know what you guys are talking about, but right now I don't care! GAMABUNTA, I CHOOSE YOU!

Gamabunta: GAMABUNTA!

_Can Naruto defeat Gaara? Will the Third Hokage seal Orochimaru? Will the characters EVER get Vegeta3986's name right? Join us next time for the exciting conclusion of 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary): The Chuunin Exams'!_

* * *

Commentator: So Sam, how well has Anonymius done abridging compared to MasakoX and Vegeta3986? Sam? Sammy? Hey Prof, where's Sam?

Professor: You hit him with a baseball bat, remember?

Commentator: You mean he hasn't come back yet?

Professor: (Looking through telescope) No, he's just entered the vacuum of space.

* * *

Sammy: (Flying through the vacuum of space) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Nearby Flying Saucer: Ooooooo. Bizarre.


	9. The Invasion of Konoha: Part Two

**I do not own 'Naruto' or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back my otaku and ninja wannabe friends to the final instalment of 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary): The Chuunin Exams'! Finally! But before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!

(The Professor does so, and out pops one envelope)

Commentator: Right then! Our first and only review is from Jcogginsa:

let me make some guesses  
ichibi=sentret  
nibi=persian  
sanbi=blastoise  
yonbi=infernape  
gobi=lugia  
rokubi=gulpin  
shichibi=heracross  
hachibi=tauros and octillery  
kyuubi=ninetails

Commentator: Hmmm. I'm not exactly sure what a sentret is, but I can tell you with certainly that the nibi is not a Persian. Nor is the sanbi a blastoise. The correct answer was for nibi Espeon and Golduck for Sanbi. Good guesses, however. Now let's see what this Sentret looks like.

(Browses the net)

Commentator: Okay. I can tell you with certainlty that Shukaku is NOT a sentret. A Sentret is either a ferret or a weasel, whereas Shukaku's a Raccoon Dog. Now let's see, what does an octillery look like?

Professor: Well guessing from the context, I'm guessing that it's some kind of octopus.

Commentator: So it is! Yes, THAT'S what the hachibi was! A mutant crossbreed between a Tauros and an Octillery!

Professor: What! YOU HADN'T EVEN HEARD OF AN OCTILLERY UNTIL NOW, HOW COULD YOU HAVE POSSIBLY EXPERIMENTED ON IT IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS?

Coomenattora: Elementary my dear Professor, I have forgotten what exactly I experimented on, and only when I see a depiction of the bijju and the pokemon do I remember what it was.

Professor: Huh. Right. That's convenient.

Commentator: Quiet you. Ahem, so I'm afraid the only one you got right so far was the Ninetails. As for the others, I can't confirm them until we know what the remaining bijuu are.

Professor: (On the computer) Sir, the remaining bijuu have been revealed in a recent issue of Naruto.

Commentator: -Wha? Really? Well let's see what they are, then! Hmmm. Well this should finally put a rest to everyone referencing that so-called 'Legend of the Tailed Beasts'. Seriously, it doesn't even read like a legend! Aha! So, the Four-Tails looks like an ape, the Five-Tails like some kind of deer, the Six-Tails, some sort of blob, I don't even know what that's supposed to be! And the Seven-Tails is a beetle. –Wait a miunte. What did Jcogginsa suggest for the bijuu? Hmm, an ape for the Four-Tails, a blob for the Six-Tails, a beetle for the Seven-Tails GASP! He KNEW WHAT THE BIJUU WERE! But he sent his review long before this particular issue. HOW DID HE KNOW?

Professor: Apparently the identity of the remaining bijuu were revealed long before this issue months ago.

Commentator: Really? Oh. Right. Well that explains it. Let's see then…nope, I'm afraid that the vonbi's a primeape, gobi's a Stantler, and rokubi's a Gastrodon. However, points for getting the shichibi right. So the bijuu are: Shukaku, Espeon, golduck, primeape, Stantler, Gastrodon, Heracross, Tauros, Ninetails!

(The Commentator starts singing 'gotta catch –'em all' as well as dancing with a cane and striped hat.)

Commentator: Now then, on with the show, the final part, 'The Invasion of Konoha, Part 2"!

* * *

_Previously on 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary)':_

_Third: Behold! I have summoned: THE REAPER! This is the very jutsu that the Fourth used to seal the nine-tails. Well anyway, BE SEALED!_

_Orochimaru: Never!_

* * *

_Gaara: SHUKAKU NO JUTSU!_

_Naruto: Wh-what is that?_

_Professor: It appears that Gaara has transformed himself into a giant raccoon dog made of sand._

_Naruto: GAMABUNTA, I CHOOSE YOU!_

_Gamabunta: GAMABUNTA!_

_And now the thrilling conclusion._

* * *

Third: Be sealed!

Orochimaru: Never!

Shinigami: Groan, are you two still at this? How long have you two been standing there?

Orochimaru: For about a month, probably.

Shinigami: You know, I could have been a Bleach Shinigami where they don't mess around and try to lengthen the story too much, but noooooooooooooooo, I had to be a Naruto Shinigami, where they try to make an episode out of each chapter even though there's not enough material for it!

Third: Yeah well 'Bleach' may not try to lengthen the story that much, but the consequence of that is that they have loads of filler episodes and filler arcs.

Shinigami: -And we don't?

Third: Not regarding the long period of filler meant to connect 'Naruto' and 'Naruto Shuppuden'.

Shinigami: I repeat, and we don't?

* * *

Naruto: Now Gamabunta, use watergun attack against Shukaku! Your water attacks are bound to weaken that rock type pokemon!

Professor: Actually, according to the rules of this world, rock beats water for some reason.

(Silence)

Naruto: Well, why aren't you attacking him?

Gamabunta: We've already been through this, Naruto, I'm not your pokemon slave who fulfils every one of your twisted desires to fight to the death against my own will!

Naruto: But I thought you agreed to be my pokemon, I mean my digimon partner, I mean for me to be your subordinate! And shouldn't a boss protect his subordinates?

Gamabunta: Hmm. That is true. I did agree to make you by subordinate. But we haven't even made a deal yet.

Naruto: WHAT? I'M TOO YOUNG TO MAKE A DEAL!

(Everything pauses abruptly)

Commentator: Okay, that has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Professor: What are you talking about, Sir?

Commentator: "I'm too young to make a deal?" What the heck does that even mean?

Professor: Well Sir, originally Gamabunta says, "We haven't even shared a drink yet", and Naruto screams "WHAT! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DRINK!" And so, any reference to alcohol has been cut out.

Commentator: So let me get this straight. Nudity, sexual lexis and a creepy old man who spies on naked girls and likes women who are in fact twelve year old boys are all right, but the very mentioning of a single drop of alcohol is nay-okay? ??? ??? ???

Pysduck: Psy?

Gamabunta: (Getting excited) Hey! Is that a Psyduck?

Naruto: Er, yeah. Is that a good thing?

Gamabunta: You kidding? I LOVE THAT POKEMON! All those times driving Misty crazy were some of the best bits in the anime- hey, why has he got a bump on his head?

Naruto: Oh Gaara attacked him earlier and he hit his head on a tree.

Gamabunta: -He-harmed-Psyduck?

(Quincy Jones' 'Ironside' starts to play in the background as everything flashes red with exchanging clips of Gamabunta, Shukaku/Gaara and Psyduck)

('Battle Without Honour or Humanity' starts to play in the background)

Gamabunta: (Draws his sword) Young ninja, I accept you as my subordinate. And now, I shall help you defeat this villain who harms innocent pokemon.

(Gamabunta and Gaara battle to 'Battle Without Honour'. By the time the song finishes, Gamabunta has chopped off Shukaku's arm)

Gamabunta: OH YEAH! GAMABUNTA KICKS RACCOON BUTT! Say it, bitch, who's your godfather?

Naruto: You know, I kinda preferred your voice in the original anime where you sound like a yakuza boss.

Gamabunta: (Sigh), Me too, kid. Me too.

Gaara: Gah! You may have cut off my tanuki arm, but that is the least of your worries! I shall now release Shukaku's ultimate power!

Naruto: What's he talking about?

Gamabunta: Have you noticed the rings around the spiritualist medium's eyes?

Naruto: Don't you mean jinchuuriki?

Gamabunta: We haven't got that far yet.

Naruto: Oh right. Wait, those rings are real? I thought they were just an artistic representation like my fox whiskers!

Gamabunta: What fox whiskers?

Naruto: Exactly!

Gamabunta: Well anyway, they are in fact eye shadow, which have developed since long hours of sleep will release the beast.

Naruto: Doesn't eye shadow only form below the eye, not around it?

Gamabunta: Shut up. This is bad.

Naruto: why?

Gamabunta: Shukaku has the ability to draw on the power and abilities of comparative versions from other media. Including fan parodies on Youtube.

Naruot: -GASP! You're not suggesting-?

Gamabunta: I'm afraid I am. Once Shukaku has awakened, he will have the power –of the Funk.

(DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!)

Naruto: WAIT HOLD ON! Gaara, how could you possibly criticise people for confusing you with Gaara of the Funk, and then completely rip off his powers?

Gaara: Simple. I'm not Gaara of the Funk; I'm just drawing on his powers.

Naruto: What-? NO! THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS-!

Gaara: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ……

Gamabunta: Uh oh. The funky beast is about to awake.

(Shukaku's eyes become bright)

Shukaku: OH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SHUKAKU IS BACK IN TOWN! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?

Crickets: CHIRP, CHIRP, CHIRP, CHIRP.

Shukaku: I SAID, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?

Naruto: Errrrrrr, yes?

Shukaku: I CAN'T HEAR YOU, KONOHA, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!

Konoha: YEAH!

Shukaku: GOOD, COS I WILL, I WILL ROCK YOU!

Paws on ground: PAT PAT PAT. PAT PAT PAT.

Shukaku: I SAID I WILL, I WILL, ROCK YOU!

Paws on ground: PAT. PAT PAT PAT!

Gamabunta: Well? Are you going to rock me or not? In a non-sexual way?

Shukaku: Of course! Let's dance!

(Shukaku and Gambunta engage in a DDR styled battle)

Gamabunta: (In the air) It's no good! His funk powers are too great!

Naruto: Quick! Anonymius! Play that 'Kill Bill' music again! It's our only chance!

**Sorry. It can only be played once.**

Naruto: Aw, nuts.

Gamabunta: I have an idea!

Naruto: What is it?

Gamabunta: If we can wake up Gaara, then the one tailed raccoon will-

Shukaku: I'm sorry, what did you just call me?

Gamabunta: You know. You're a one tailed raccoon, right?

Shukaku: Ahem. Have you noticed my paws? Do these look like opposable thumbs to you? Does it look like they can grab things?

Gamabunta: -Well actually now that I think about it, they look more like the padded feet of a dog. Gasp! I was wrong! You're some kind of raccoon, dog hybrid!

Shukaku: I'M A RACCOON DOG!

Gamabunta: Like I said, a kind of raccoon, dog hybrid.

Shukaku: NO I'M NOT! A raccoon dog's a completely different cainid from a dog that is in no way related to a raccoon! We just look like them, okay? What is wrong with you people? I mean translating oni to solely mean ogre I can understand. They definitely share similar characteristics. Translating kami to mean god I can also understand. Translating kamisama to mean 'The God' I can also understand if you think Kami means god. Translating yokai to mean demon? Sometimes they do appear to be the equivalent. Translating sama to mean lord I can also understand?. BUT TANUKI INTO RACCOON? Have none of you otaku ever read up on tanuki? I would have thought that people obsessed with Japanese culture would know that tanuki aren't even raccoons! I mean how can raccoons be a popular animal in Japanese folklore who's popularity rivals the fox if they're NOT EVEN NATIVE TO THE COUNTRY? If there's one thing I hate, it's being mistaken for a raccoon. Still. It could be worse. You could have mistaken me for a badger.

Naruto: You mean you're NOT a badger?

Shukaku: -That's it. You die first.

Gamabunta: Quickly Naruto! Change us into something with claws!

Naruto: Hmm. Something giant with claws. Nope. Can't think of anything.

Commentator: How about the mutant Nine-Tails?

Naruto: Hey, there's an idea! TRANSFORMATION NO JUTSU!

(Naruto and Gamabunta transform into the mutant Nine-Tails)

(Nine-Tails and Shukaku begin battle. Everything goes black and white and looks like something on a game boy. Something twinkles in the corner)

Shukaku: Hey, what the-?

Sammy: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

SAMMY HITS SHUKAKU WITH SPINNING BODY SLAM ATTACK! CRITICIAL DAMAGE! NINE-TAILS BY DEFAULT WINS!

Naruto: Well that was anti-climatic, but I'll take it.

(Sammy had hit Gaara, waking him up)

Shukaku: Shukaku has left the building.

* * *

Naruto: All right. Here it is. The final showdown between two jinchuuriki.

Gamabunta: AHEM!

Naruto: Sorry. Two 'spiritualist mediums'. Now, LET US BEGIN THE DECIDING MATCH OF WHO IS STRONGER!

(Naruto and Gaara are about to jump at each other)

The Lawyer: HOLD IT! STOP EVERYTHING!

Sammy: You didn't sign a check for bowling?

(The Lawyer whacks him away with his briefcase)

Sammy: LOOKS LIKE SAMMY THE SLUG IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN AGAIN! TWINKLE.

Gaara: Hey, what's the hold up here? Can't you see that we're in a middle of a fight?

The Lawyer: Young ninja, I represent the bad people at Neighbourhood Cluck Productions and they will not tolerate this imitation!

Gaara: What are you talking about?

The Lawyer: You copied Gaara of the Funk's character without properly disclaiming his funk or his funky moves!

Gaara: Oh come on! The guys on Youtube have done much worse than I have, why aren't you hassling them?

The Lawyer: I would, but sadly I only exist in 'Anonymius Productions' so I can't hassle anyone else.

Naruto: I'm sure if Anonymius created your own youtube account then-

Commentator: Shh! Don't give him any ideas!

Naruto: The Lawyer or Anonymius?

Commentator: Both.

Gaara: Yeah, so I borrowed aspects of Gaara of the Funk without properly disclaiming, so what? What are you going to do about it?

The Lawyer: We're gonna have you removed from Fanfiction Dot Net.

Gaara: -No! No! Anything but that! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

THIS CHARACTER HAS BEEN REMOVED DUE TO TERMS OF USE VIOLATION

The Lawyer: Well my work here is done. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some video flagging to do.

(Poof)

Naruto: Wait, is that it?

Commentator: I guess so.

Naruto: Huh. Well that was anti-climatic! Again!

Professor: And ironic. Gaara had been complaining throughout this parody about being confused with Gaara of the Funk and is defeated because he ripped off aspects of Gaara of the Funk.

Naruto: Oh well! At least I didn't get knocked out like in the real episode!

Commentator: Oo, that's right! HAMMERSTRIKE!

Naruto: Hey, what the-?

WHACK

(Naruto plummets to the ground)

No. Of Times Naruto Has Been Knocked Unconscious: Eleven.

Commentator: That was for saying 'Believe it' earlier you-

Healer: COMMENTATOR!

Commentator: -Uh oh. Hey Bro, how's it going?

Healer: WHAT are you doing with my mallet?

Commentator: Um, just restoring the balance and order, Bro.

Healer: YOU JUST KNOCKED OUT NARUTO BECAUSE HE SAID BELIEVE IT!

Commentator: And restoring the number of times he got knocked unconscious, you can't protest against that!

Healer: Grr, just give me back my mallet.

Commentator: And what if I refuse?

Healer: I'll tell everybody reading this your real name!

Commentator: (Handing over mallet) You know, you've used that threat so many times now it's not even funny anymore.

* * *

Third: Give me your soul!

Orochimaru: NEVER!

Shinigami: AAAAAAAAAAAAGH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! THOSE SOULS AREN'T GOING TO REAP THEMSELVES YOU KNOW! That's it; I'm putting an end to this. (Draws sword)

Orochimaru: What are you going to do?

Shinigami: I'm going to help you achieve immortality, by splitting your soul.

Orochimaru: But I've already said, splitting your soul doesn't actually work unless there's still some connection between the pieces AAAAAAAAAAAAH! What have you done?

Shinigami: I've just cut off the arms of your soul.

Orochimaru: Wait. Souls have arms?

Shinigami: Well yeah if the soul is your spiritual equivalent and your life-force, then your soul arms are basically the life force in your arms, so by cutting them away, I make them lifeless.

Orochimaru: Oh. Right. That actually makes a lot of sense if you put it that way.

Shinigami: Mmmmmmmm, Orochimaru's arms. (Druels)

Third: Hey, Voldetongue! You're now more of a snake than ever! Well, goodbye, Orochimaru, til we meet again in the afterlife.

Orochimaru: Wait; I thought you said that the user is doomed to be in the belly of the reaper for all eternity?

Third: GAK!

Orochimaru: Sarutobi? SAURTOBI! Great, now I'll never know what he meant.

* * *

Sound Four: LOOKS LIKE TEAM VOLDETONGUE IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN!

Orochimaru: Haven't we done that reference to death yet?

Spider-Man: No. TWINKLE.

_And so, Konoha is saved. But at a terrible price. For the Third Hokage, is dead._

Naruto: I'm not that upset. I mean, these great mentor characters tend to die, unless they happen to be the grandfather of the protagonist for some reason. What I'm really upset about is the chuunin exams. I mean- what was the point of all of it? All that testing and fighting and hard work and getting knocked unconscious for what?

Sakura: And Kishimoto is unlikely to repeat himself by doing another Chunnin Arc.

Sasuke: Which means, unless there's some sort of time skip and we're still in the village during it, WE'LL BE STUCK AS GENINS FOR THE REST OF THE MANGA!

(As all the genin characters realise this, they all burst into tears. The sound of their grief is carried by the wind, far away from Konoha)

Figure 1: Sounds like Konoha is fiercely grieving for their fallen leader.

Figure 2: Indeed it does. But soon, in about a week, we'll give them something really to cry about!

Figure 1: That was awful. But still, we'll be far worse than Orochimaru ever was. KONOHA, PREPARE FOR TROUBLE!

Figure 2: Yes. And make it double.

_To protect the world from devastation_

_To unite all people within our nation_

_To denounce the evils of truth and love_

_To extend our reach to the stars above_

THE END

Commentator: So Sam, how well have our respective abridgers done? Sammy?

(Sammy bursts through the ceiling)

Sammy: AAAAAAAAH!

(Crashes into the floor)

Sammy: Well Boss, overall Vegeta4986 and MasakoX were able to abridge the entire Chuunin Exams and the Invasion of Konoha arcs into twelve episodes, but Anonymius was able to abridge them into nine!

(The Commentator stares at him)

Commentator: No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Bursts into tears) I WAS SO CLOSE! IF ONLY HE HAD MADE JUST ONE MORE CHAPT I COULD HAVE WON! (Instantly stops crying) Wait a minute. AHA! I WIN THE BET!

Professor: How d'you work that out?

Commentator: Because, my dear Professor, the Chuunin Finals Tournament chapter was twice the length of a normal one, and the bet was to see how by Anonymius' style can he abridge compared to Masako and Vegeta. So really, that counts as two, so I win the bet!

Professor: That may be so, Sir, but it was still one chapter, so therefore it counts as one.

Commentator: WHAT! THAT'S UNFAIR!

Professor: Oh like you know the word 'fair'!

Commentator: I WON THE BET!

Professor: NO I DID!

Commentator: I DID!

Professor: I DID!

Commentator: I DID!

Professor: I DID!

Commentator: I DID!

(Silence)

Commentator: Care to settle this in court?

Professor: Okay.

_Who will win the bet? Will it be the Commentator? Will it be the Professor? Find out, probably, in a month's time when 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary) Three: The Search for Tsunade' comes out! (Unless of course Anonymius will be busy doing other things or not be in the mood. Hopefully he should be!)_


End file.
